For All You Gangstas: A History of Holding Your Gun Sideways…

The folks over at Slate have written up a history of holding your gun sideways. As you might have expected, the Angry Men added some interesting commentary.

Angry Military Man
Unprofessional jackasses. This is one cultural trend that seriously pisses me off, I had a devil of a time trying to teach people how to properly hold a fucking pistol. They were always trying to be gangsta.

Angry Overeducated Catholic
But AMM why does this annoy you? I mean, I understand that this idiocy by your students annoyed you, sure. But how is this outcome anything but welcome:

As police chased Raymond “Ready” Martinez through Times Square on Thursday, the street hustler and aspiring rapper fired two shots, holding the gun sideways “like a character out of a rap video.” According to the New York Post, Martinez’s side grip caused the gun to jam, enabling police to shoot and kill the suspect.

By all means, let’s do whatever we can to encourage this sort of poor gun control by our criminal classes. If they’re going to abuse their rights, at least let them abuse them in a way that minimizes their danger to others and maximizes their danger to themselves.

I want a lack of professionalism in my would-be professional criminals!

Angry Immigrant
In that case…

I would like to propose a new gangsta style grip that involves holding the pistol upside down next to the head, barrel pointing forward. This would allow the spent casing to bounce “awesomely” off of the temple of the shooter, signifying toughness and promote true “def” style hearing loss.

Sighting the barrel directly next to the eyes should maximize the shooter’s conception of aiming accuracy, as it brings a point-and-shoot cyborg mentality for the shooter.

This new all-def method makes no claims of actual accuracy improvement. In case of a gun jamming, this may cause grievous explosive injury to the shooter, but that’s the risk of being tru-4-life.

Angry Libertarian
We can do better and have.

A suspect in the rape and armed robbery of several woman in River Forest accidentally shot himself in the head during a police chase Monday night in Oak Park. The suspect died several hours later.

Angry Overeducated Catholic
Well, yes, but of course in this case do we have any certain knowledge that he was in fact holding his gun when he shot himself in the head? There may have been a little officer-assisted suicide going on…this is River Forest we’re talking about.

On the other hand, it’s pretty clear that this guy was one of the dullest knives in the drawer. Of course there’s the inevitable tagline in modern America:

Patillo had convictions for aggravated unlawful use of a fire arm and drugs. He was paroled April 25 from the Sheridan Correctional Center.

Gosh, a parolee is released and within a year escalates to even more dangerous and violent offenses? What a shocker!*

Be interesting to find out whether this guy was off as part of Governor Quinn’s early release programs to save money…apparently they’re quietly releasing increasingly dangerous types because of funding issues.

Yippee!

*Note that this crap also makes the lives of actual reformed ex-cons even harder. Now that everyone knows that parole is a “get out of jail to rape and murder for free” card, there’s even less chance given to actual honest parolees who earned their parole through actual reform. When you make an earned privilege a natural right, you cheapen it 9 times out of 10.

 

Governator II

Hola amigos! Angry New Mexican here! As usual, my angry hombres are remiss in writing. So without further ado, here is Angry Immigrant, waxing rhapsodical about his adopted homeland of California.

Angry Immigrant

With California within a stone’s throw of officially failing, the upcoming governor’s race should be more amusing than most. (Ok, it doesn’t look like Gary Coleman is jumping in this time).

The Dems are throwing an all-wacky team with the mayor of S.F. and Jerry Brown — who is probably Daley’s current rival for best local-politics weasel. The “gay marriage by executive order” mayor is just all kinds of crazy. Popular in SF itself, but otherwise viewed as unserious. Brown is hard to categorize. He’s bounce around through nearly every level of state government (including governor), but he has all of the baggage that comes with a lifetime of shady deals at all levels of government. Neither will be of great help digging the state out of the hole it’s in, but the election will likely be decided on whether the voters feel the crisis or not late in 2010.

The republicans are sending a team that might actually have some competence to it. Maybe. If they don’t stab each other in the back and destroy the state party like some other states I could mention.

Well, for Senate they seem to be trying their hardest.

The two intriguing candidates to me are the businesswomen. Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina have both had stints running major companies, and the GOP here seem to be trying to 1) bring a business-heavy slate and 2) break their old white man image. Fiorina seems to be off to a bumbling start. But, given that the only other time I’ve heard of here was when she was run out of HP for corruption or incompetence, that may actually be representative for her.

It’s possible that they’re letting Fiorina stumble forward to tie up Boxer’s attention, and then they’ll slot Schwarzenegger in as a Senate candidate just before the primary. But I think he’s ready to be done with politics, and get back to just being a normal rich guy again.

It seems like if the GOP can run on a platform of business competence and fiscal conservatism (and de-emphasize nearly everything else for this cycle), they should make massive gains. But California is in the hole it’s in for a reason — the GOP keeps picking idiot organizers and candidates, and the voters keep picking idiot Dems.

 

The Chairman and The Shepherd

Evidently Mao is the new thing in avant garde Chinese art. Underground exhibitions, keeping heads and bodies of statuary separated, this is some pretty wacky stuff.

My favorite piece (and a favorite of several other Angry Men) is The Execution of Christ by the Gao brothers:

Nothing like a firing squad of Maos executing Jesus

I thought was a interesting commentary on religious freedom in China, with a touch of Picasso’s Guernica, juxtaposed against the patent absurdity of multiple Maos. In a sense, it was in the line of Andy Warhol’s portrait of Mao with rouge and lipstick.

Several other Angry Men also waxed philosophically, witness this dialogue between Angry Overeducated Catholic and Angry Immigrant…

Angry Overeducated Catholic: I like the Mao off by himself: is he doubting the party line, is he afraid to take a life, is he worried Christ is Who He says He is? Or is he just too incompetent to load a rifle, stand in a line, and shoot an unarmed man?

Angry Immigrant: He’s a demagogue, posing with a rifle trying to look tough, but unable to actually look at the consequences of his policies…

Angry Overeducated Catholic: Ah, but I believe the other members of the squad are also Mao…so perhaps Mao has only a small part of his conscience left, which recoils from the consequences of his policies even while powerless to prevent his larger self from carrying them out?

Good stuff, huh? A little philosophical for my blood, but interesting nonetheless.

Angry Military Man, famed wit that he is, one the day. Had little else to say other than Mao More Than Ever. But once saying that, need one say any more?

 

The Science of BRAAAAAAAINS!

I’m not making this up. Evidently you can write papers in Phys Rev E about escaping from the Zombie Apocalypse.

Angry Immigrant notes, along the same lines, Penny Arcade summed up the current fad well with:

By any reasonable barometer, any metric, by any comprehensive schema of assessment, undeath is this nation’s chief export. We deal it out globally, all the while surfing metabolically on the strange fumes of its production. Thus, in direct violation of the Ten Crack Commandments, we’re getting high on our own supply. And the resultant product is getting pretty thin.

We’re exporting undeath. Zombies and Vampires. Hip-deep.

And rice.

And Democracy!

You can find Tycho’s original article here and you can find their prediction (in comic form) of the next big undead thing here.

 

Troll of the Week: Adopt-a-Rabbi

“I hate Missouri Nazis” edition.

What do you do when a stupid hate group adopts-a-highway and you have to put its name on the signs?

Why, rename that stretch of highway after someone they hate, of course…

Rep. Sara Lampe, D-Springfield, got an amendment added to a transportation bill to rename [the road] the “Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel Memorial Highway.” Heschel marched with Martin Luther King Jr. at the Selma, Ala., Civil Rights march in 1965.

Take that, you racist jack-booted thugs! For your blatant abuse of freedom of speech and association, you are now subject to keeping the rabbi’s highway nice and spit-polished clean.

Excellent job, Rep. Lampe! I hope your bill passes into law. And for your excellent counter-troll (for all neo-nazi groups are flamers), we award you the George Takei Troll of the Week award.

 

Canadian Polygamists Cite Gay Marriage Laws

[Editor’s Note: It’s your hombre-in-chief Angry New Mexican here. I feel sometimes that I spend more time editing other people’s email missives than writing my own rants these days, but the life of an Angry Man is filled with peril. Normally, the it’s Angry Midwesterner’s job to rant about how gay marriage will bring about the destruction of western society. Evidently Angry Immigrant’s been studying up on this belief on the sly, especially now that it involves his personal sworn enemies: Canadians. Without further ado, I give you Angry Immigrant. -ANM]

It might not be a torrent, but the first trickles are coming. The first symptom of the far right-wing nightmare of state-sanctioned unrestrained relationships landed recently, with hints of the next one already forming.

Step 1) Polygamy
Canadian polygamists cite gay marriage law as legalizing their freedom to choose who to “marry” as well. They don’t seem to be doing a very good job of it. They won’t get support until they stop being thought of as ‘fundies’ and start getting some support from the polyamory community. The problem being that the polyamory community doesn’t really care about formal relationship events like getting married. They’re solely focused on getting laid.

Step 2) Child-marriages
From a number of different places (my guess is from sleazy teachers and their unions), we may start to see a discourse on the difference between pedophilia and ebophilia. (One means a sleazy bastard who gets kicks from handling kids and the other means anyone attracted to post-pubescent teens — usually still sleazy [unless 1/2 + 7, etc] .) Legal cover for this might come as a result of poorly-handled prosecutions of 15-17 year olds being 15-17 year olds with each other (naked picture of girlfriend on cell phone == kiddie porn?), or from interfering hippies who want to emancipate children from the constraints of responsible oversight.

I’ve begun to see this vocabulary clarification start in various places, but actually relaxing the law requires a politician who’s willing to be called a pedo, and who wants to survive a “think of the children” campaign against him. This will be slow, slow work to tear down. Not because they have a remaining philosophical defense of why it shouldn’t be an allowable marriage, but because they won’t be able to find enough politicians to agree with them for a few decades.

While this won’t help the bastards in NAMBLA score with 8 year olds, it might push the threshold down to 13-14 again. Keep in mind that at this age if you fight in a war, murder civilians, be classified as a “child soldier”, be captured, and the person who jailed you would be the war criminal… But some idiots can’t tell the difference between children and adults when their libido lights up.

Step 3) Pet marriages
I haven’t seem anyone take a serious stab at this (just the loonies who also want to marry their plants, their shovel, etc). It’s just the scary item at the end of this list that you hold up, point to, and say “This is what San Francisco wants” in order to get the whole Midwest to vote against something. A useful wedge, and eventually more accepted than it is now, but still a one-way ticket to the sanitarium.

Angry Immigrant’s Predictions
Step 1 could be sped up depending on how gay marriages are legally handled (along with benefits transfers, power of attorney, hospital visitations, etc). The polyamory folks could help with demanding free ability to choose whomever they want to be ‘in charge’ of their needs independently of their “marriages”.
Step 2 may be aided by the continual sophistication of children and the growing acceptance of perversion, but that will be political suicide for a long time to come.
Step 3 will happen once dogs and cats get to vote…

[Author’s Note:] Sarcasm doesn’t travel the Internet clearly. As such, take the preceding with a large grain of salt. -AI ]

 

Man of the Week (angry or otherwise)

We here at the 12 Angry Men Blog like to take time off from being angry to celebrate and lionize men whose actions are especially manly. In honor of brave, talented men in the right place at the right time who see the truth, make the right decision, and take the right action, we present our highest awards this day to:

Captain CHESLEY SULLENBERGER III

“Sully” Sullenberger, as you may have seen all over the news today, skillfully ditched a flaming Airbus A320 carrying 150+ souls into the Hudson River after the engines were destroyed by a large number of birds upon takeoff.

Cpt. Sullenberger succeeded in the best emergency water landing in 45 years, and all 155 souls aboard survived a situation where the typical result is the opposite. Before leaving the plane (that was already waist-deep with bone-numbingly cold water), he made two full sweeps through the whole plane to make sure everyone got out.

For that we award Cpt. the very first 12 Angry Man Blog Official Hero Award:

We recognize, of course, that these pale in comparison to the set that Cpt. Sullenberger already carries with him, but these are perhaps are easier to display around the household.

So, faithful readers, bear in mind that the bar is set high. In order to get your own displayable set, you must first prove that yours are as shiny and round as Cpt. Sullenberger’s.

And be warned those of you males who fail to be men and display a lack of manly virtue in your actions, you may receive the other end of the scale.

 

-This- is the Chicago Way

For all of the tongue-in-cheek approval of Chicago and Illinois corruption that we are going through, it should be reminded that, free from any romantic notion of crooks being “Our Crook“, this is the actual Chicago way.

But Democrats, fearful they might lose the Senate seat if it was put up for a vote, essentially stalled talk of a special election. They cited concerns about the multi-million dollar cost of holding the election with state finances in shambles. The lack of action means that Blagojevich still retains the power to appoint Obama’s successor.

From the Chicago Tribune — who has good reason to be the loudest anti-Balgo voice in the world.

That’s right — despite having the most obviously corrupt official in decades, the party with a massive majority both in Illinois and national government is still too afraid of losing a Senate seat through the democratic process it loudly champions when no opportunity is at hand, now turns tail and lets its elite choose another of its elite. This shirking of manly virtue, ironically, demonstrates Blago’s statement about who is packing the proper testicular fortitude to make the right decisions. It wasn’t Blago, and it isn’t the Illinois Democrats.

Their argument about a special election being prohibitively expensive is especially transparent, since there will already need to be a regional special election to replace Rahm Emmanual, who is shirking his elected duty to wield Obama’s Rod of Power as Chief-of-Staff. A Senate run-off will be more expensive than a Representative election, but given the circumstances, (and the golden child of light who vacated the Senate seat when he was bodily assumed into Office), they ought to open that seat up to an election as well.

Truth be told, sending the decision to the Lt. Governor is the constitutional process in Illinois, but notice that is not one of the arguments forwarded by the Illinois Democrats. When Illinois corruption makes the news, it makes it big. But it’s the spineless, worthless, neutered corruption which never makes the news that is the real Chicago way.

 

‘The Rod’ gets the shaft

Welcome to Blago-Freedom day!

This corrupt, bumbling criminal is no longer menacing the streets of Illinois. This fool whose lawlessness didn’t live up to the high standard for crime that we have come to expect from officials in high office in that state has been given the hook and been invited to the “retirement office” for Illinois Governors — jail.

Ring Bells, close schools, declare a holiday. Illinois can start the road to “recovery from The Rod”.

For the uninitiated: There are many good things about the great state of Illinois, as well as many bad things. The worst, at the moment, is the Idiot-in-Chief in the governor’s office, Rod Blagojevich.

His protective circle has been crumbling for quite a while now, with expert prosecutor U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald and FBI Special Agent-in-Charge Robert Grant closing in. It seems that the closer they got, the more bumbling Blago became.

Yesterday we got this gem:

“This is America, you know, and I’d appreciate if you want to tape my conversations, give me a heads-up and let me know,” Blagojevich said.

“I don’t care whether you tape me privately or publicly. I can tell you that whatever I say is always lawful,” Blagojevich

This was followed up today by being arrested for (among many, many other things) having been recorded saying “I want to make money” trying to sell off the senate seat recently held by President-Elect Obama.

Moron.

Go get ’em, Fitzy.

(It’s worth noting that the official web page for Illinois Lieutenant Governor Pat Quinn has received such a huge spike in traffic that the server has melted at the time of writing…)

Update:
Blago was recorded refusing Obama’s request to name his own replacement because Blago wasn’t getting paid.

Also, it occurs to me that the FBI could have auctioned off the rights to handcuff and perp walk Blago today. It would have raised a ton of money, and it would be ironically fitting for the crimes this sleazeball has done. For Toys for Tots, perhaps…

 

The Thanksgiving “Thankful” Thread

As is traditional we put aside our usual bickering, pissing and moaning for national holidays. As my comrades are being lazy of late, I’m going to post my list and people should add comments or just edit.

Mildly Piqued Academician is thankful for a lot of things this year. Aside from the usual stuff:

1. That his brother fully recovered from what was supposed to be major but routine surgery but which turned into life-threatening internal bleeding…
2. That he’s got a stable job in a decidedly unstable time, with very good colleagues and students…
3. That his retired parents pulled their money out of the stock market six months ago…
4. That certain important deadlines were—finally—set… and met. 🙂

The Angry Immigrant is thankful…

1. for safe travel across country to visit family back in the old country.
2. for fun visiting little nephew #1 and little nephew #2
3. for fun building breakfast and lunch meals for the homeless for today. All those years of making sandwiches for school lunch came in very handy.
4. that my latest project appears finished, so I can spend evenings at home instead of at the movie studio.

The Angry Midwesterner is thankful…

1. That he is spending the holiday in the Midwest.
2. For loving family, all across the country.
3. Open roads lined with farms, and a sky free of pollution.
4. Good friends, good fellowship and good food.

The Angry Political Optimist is thankful…

1. That the election is over and that the cumulative exhaustion is finally wearing off
2. That, in spite of Libor peaking on November 17th, the day his ARM reset, his interest rate went down
3. That the silver lining of the economic meltdown is that people are taking the time to reassess their goals and turning away from rampant consumerism
4. That the price of oil is less than $50/barrel and gasoline is $1.56 a gallon; and that Chavez, the Saudis, and Medvedev/Putin are scrambling so hard to right their respective boats that they aren’t causing trouble
5. That all those people who were wishing secretly and not so secretly for the United States to crash and burn, have decided that “eh, maybe not” such a good idea