The President at His Press Conference.
CHENEYVILLE (AFP) – In a shocking admission, a smirking President Cheney openly confirmed British Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s recent allegation that the President, and his clone army, are of extraterrestrial origin:
“Alien? Yes, of course. Wait, you really didn’t know? Nobody. I mean, you didn’t suspect? Even after the Bush years? Heh, your species is even dumber than I thought. Yes, I am an alien, from a far more advanced and far more intelligent species. But I take issue with the whole “not friendly” claim.
What does Mr. Brown use to back up his “not friendly” claim: my love of shooting people in the face? My different, and substantially more advanced, biology? That is typical European elitism. My fellow Americans, are we not a nation of immigrants? Don’t we welcome anyone to our great country who believes in the ideals of America? And what, I ask you, could be more American than blasting annoying idiots in the face with a shotgun!”
The President’s remarks were greated by shouts of support and applause, and not simply from the terrified former White House Press Corps which the President has now directed to act as his own personal studio audience. Smirking widely at the crowd, the President continued:
“Yes, I am an alien, and an American, and I can promise America will share in our powerful alien technology! Saucers, death beams, indestructible war machines that look like pepper shakers…we’ve got them all, and soon, so will you! And that will bring a new era of prosperity to you, America. No longer will you have to ‘trade’ for foreign goods. No longer will you be slaves to foreign debt. No, my fellow Americans, we will just take what we want, and death to any foreigner who tries to stop us!!!
The President was forced to pause at this point due to a spontaneous chorus of “USA, USA” from the assembled crowd. When he was able to continue he made one final promise:
“And, finally, we will not only end poverty through plunder, but, my friends, hunger itself. With the world’s infants available for our consumption, no American will ever want for food. Just think, all the sweet succulent baby flesh that any Texan…or human…could want…eh, am I hungry, well, gotta go, there’s a whole British embassy’s worth of tasty little ones waiting in the White House dining room!”
This correspondent asked numerous attendees to comment upon the President’s final remarks, but there was no consensus on what these words might mean or just how the world’s supply of young children might be made available for American use. White House spokescheneys said that a detailed plan would be provided “after lunch.”