Breaking News: Cheney Defeated, Flees Planet In Shame

WASHINGTON (AFP) – Things in Washington seem to be quiet at last after the last day’s worth of events. Shortly after the statement of John Smith from London, a 1950’s era police box appeared on the White House Lawn with an army of Cheney clones ready to open fire. At that moment a crack force known only as the Wolverenes lead by actor-cum-badass Chuck Norris dropped via parachute onto the lawn to engage the clone army. Obama sycophant David Axelrod was at the scene preparing babies for Cheney’s consumption. He says:

“We were all forced to do horrible, unspeakable things at the hands of President Cheney, lest we be shot in the face by the clone army. Suddenly the clone army assembled as a 1950’s era British police box appeared out of nowhere on the lawn. Immediately thereafter, Chuck Norris’ crack team showed up and engaged the army in a wicked fight. That man’s chief export is pain, but I doubt that he knew what a machine Dick Cheney really was. Anyway, in the midst of the fighting, this John Smith fellow and some woman I couldn’t make out slipped out of the police box and headed for the Oval Office. Since I had recently finished soiling myself, I followed on hands and knees to see what was happening.”

Accounts from this point differ, but it appears that Mr. Smith confronted a well prepared President Cheney in his office fortress. After capturing Mr. Smith in a sonic net, President Cheney took the opportunity to gloat:

“Leave it to a foreigner to send an alien to fight me! To slothful to fight their own battles in Iraq or Afghanistan, even now as I cement my reign on this planet, they cannot be bothered to fight for themselves. I look forward to consuming their bloated, decadent flesh, as I will consume yours, Doctor, for I know who you are.”

According to Mr. Axelrod, Mr. Smith then responded,

“I think not Dick, or can I call you Richard, you know I’ve always preferred the name ever since I met Richard the First, great chap. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, stopping you from taking over the earth.”

Mr. Cheney replied:

“And you will do this how?”

Mr. Smith responded:

“First, your sonic net is no match for my sonic screwdriver, and second, I was just trying to distract you while she hit you over the head.”

At that point, Senator Hillary Clinton hit Mr. Cheney over the head with what appeared to be a copy of Ann Coulter’s latest book, Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and Their Assault on America. By the time Mr. Cheney recovered consciousness, his clone army had suffered a viscous beating at the hands of Chuck Norris, a man who does not get frostbite; rather he bites frost. Mr. Cheney immediately triggered his teleportation device and oddly forgoing the usual “I’ll be back” speech, returned to his waiting spacecraft and left earth. By this time the mysterious Mr. Smith and his more mysterious police box has vanished.

A spokeswoman for Senator Clinton said she’d be spending some time away from Washington, looking at the stars. Besides, the Senator noted, there may be some world that really would want her to be president.

 

Breaking News: Dick Cheney Proclaims Himself President!

Dick Cheney Proclaims Himself President

CHENEYVILLE (AFP) – Following rumors that President Barack Obama has fled to London, Dick Cheney, whose clone army recently seized the White House, has proclaimed himself The One True President of the United States, issued warrants for the arrest of Mr. Obama and renamed Washington, DC to Cheneyville. His clone army has also appeared in New York and has executed chiefs of several notable TARP-recipient investment banks to the cheers of the crowds forming in the streets. “Cheney is back, bitches! To America’s enemies, I have only one message: Go f#$% yourselves,” said the real (?) Mr. Cheney from his fortress in the Oval Office.

Public opinion on the Cheney coup is mixed. Joe Simmons, 27 of Arlington, VA was quoted as saying, “I was getting tired of Obama and Geithner dancing around this AIG bonus thing. Only Dick Cheney has the cajones to shoot those jerks in the face… which his clone army just did.” New York Times columnist Tom Friedman was about to express his disapproval of the Cheney coup in a phone interview with your correspondent, when he too was shot in the face by the clone army.

 

DotW: Governor Rod Blagojevich

Time for the occasionally awarded prize “Douche of the Week.” Like you couldn’t see this one coming. Well, a Merry Fitzmas to all, and to Rod a “Good Night (you Douche).” For those who have simply been hiding in a hole and wonder what the fuss is about, here’s what make this Chicago Pol unlike any other Chicago Pol:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/chi-fournier-blagojevich-tapes-html,0,3993637.htmlstory

This artist’s interpretation of Blago’s infamous phone conversations shows why, even by the extremely generous standards of Cook County, this guy was considered somewhat over the top. Even for a City whose graft, corruption, and patronage led directly to a major flood, Blago was a bit, well, open about his auction of state services and offices.

And the news just gets better and better. Gosh, Blago’s really raised Illinois’ visibility around the nation and the world. Thanks Rod!

Seriously, this is a guy who somehow got re-elected (mostly due to the abject stupidity of his opposition), and yet seems to have not one single supporter across an entire state containing every sort of ideology and ethnicity. He’d already had an approval rating below that of George W. Bush (down over just a few months from a respectable rating), and I can only imagine what it is now.

So, for what he’s done, what he’s tried to do, and, almost certainly, for what’s yet to come, we the Angry Men salute you, Governor Rod Blagojevich, with the one fingered salute of the Douche of the Week!