Humor


The folks over at Slate have written up a history of holding your gun sideways. As you might have expected, the Angry Men added some interesting commentary.

Angry Military Man
Unprofessional jackasses. This is one cultural trend that seriously pisses me off, I had a devil of a time trying to teach people how to properly hold a fucking pistol. They were always trying to be gangsta.

Angry Overeducated Catholic
But AMM why does this annoy you? I mean, I understand that this idiocy by your students annoyed you, sure. But how is this outcome anything but welcome:

As police chased Raymond “Ready” Martinez through Times Square on Thursday, the street hustler and aspiring rapper fired two shots, holding the gun sideways “like a character out of a rap video.” According to the New York Post, Martinez’s side grip caused the gun to jam, enabling police to shoot and kill the suspect.

By all means, let’s do whatever we can to encourage this sort of poor gun control by our criminal classes. If they’re going to abuse their rights, at least let them abuse them in a way that minimizes their danger to others and maximizes their danger to themselves.

I want a lack of professionalism in my would-be professional criminals!

Angry Immigrant
In that case…

I would like to propose a new gangsta style grip that involves holding the pistol upside down next to the head, barrel pointing forward. This would allow the spent casing to bounce “awesomely” off of the temple of the shooter, signifying toughness and promote true “def” style hearing loss.

Sighting the barrel directly next to the eyes should maximize the shooter’s conception of aiming accuracy, as it brings a point-and-shoot cyborg mentality for the shooter.

This new all-def method makes no claims of actual accuracy improvement. In case of a gun jamming, this may cause grievous explosive injury to the shooter, but that’s the risk of being tru-4-life.

Angry Libertarian
We can do better and have.

A suspect in the rape and armed robbery of several woman in River Forest accidentally shot himself in the head during a police chase Monday night in Oak Park. The suspect died several hours later.

Angry Overeducated Catholic
Well, yes, but of course in this case do we have any certain knowledge that he was in fact holding his gun when he shot himself in the head? There may have been a little officer-assisted suicide going on…this is River Forest we’re talking about.

On the other hand, it’s pretty clear that this guy was one of the dullest knives in the drawer. Of course there’s the inevitable tagline in modern America:

Patillo had convictions for aggravated unlawful use of a fire arm and drugs. He was paroled April 25 from the Sheridan Correctional Center.

Gosh, a parolee is released and within a year escalates to even more dangerous and violent offenses? What a shocker!*

Be interesting to find out whether this guy was off as part of Governor Quinn’s early release programs to save money…apparently they’re quietly releasing increasingly dangerous types because of funding issues.

Yippee!

*Note that this crap also makes the lives of actual reformed ex-cons even harder. Now that everyone knows that parole is a “get out of jail to rape and murder for free” card, there’s even less chance given to actual honest parolees who earned their parole through actual reform. When you make an earned privilege a natural right, you cheapen it 9 times out of 10.

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As a service to fellow Angry Man and sworn Obama-hater Angry Midwesterner, I have written this litany for him to renew his faith in conservatism and his hatred of Obama each morning. In case you’re a hater too, feel free to use it – ANM

Do you reject Obama? I do.

And all his socialist works? I do.

And all his empty hope and change? I do.

Do you believe in Conservatism, the One True Philosophy on heaven and earth? I do.

Do you believe in Ronald Regan, the Great Communicator, who was born of Barry Goldwater, was crucified by liberals, defeated Communism, shrunk the Federal Government, and is now enthroned in the Conservative pantheon? I do.

Do you believe in Sarah Palin*, the holy Religious Right, the hatred of liberals, the punishment of sins, the reduction of taxes, and life without union labor? I do.

* The invocation of Sarah Palin can be replaced with Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck or Ron Paul as appropriate.

In a desperate move akin to Britain’s imperial expansion in search of good food, Pope Benedict today opened the door to the wholesale importation of Anglicans to expand the pool of singing Catholics.

While in public Vatican officials still toe the line that they are re-integrating lost members of the flock with Catholic Church and “the time has come to express this implicit unity in the visible form of full communion.” and noting that there “have been groups of Anglicans who have entered while preserving some ‘corporate’ structure”, in private officials were more forthcoming.

In one off the record conversation one Cardinal was quite blunt: “Listen, we’ve been trying to get Catholics in the Latin rite to sing well for almost 50 years. It hasn’t worked. It’s time for some fresh blood. Desperately bad music calls for desperate measures.”

Another official explained that “while we’ve had some success in the past with retail level conversions, moving to the next level requires us to go ‘corporate’. Otherwise we just won’t make any real progress over the next one hundred years.” When pressed on any confusion to the faithful that might result from the wholesale conversion of Anglican parishes the official replied that “we expect any hearing person to be able to tell the difference when the entrance hymn begins, although it might take the tone deaf a little bit longer.”

As usual, My Angry Hombres are two darned lazy to post, leaving your hombre-in-chief, Angry New Mexican, to post all the stuff they send to our super secret email list. Now without further ado, I give you Angry Overeducated Catholic -ANM

The great thing about Biden is that, while maybe 2/3 of the Bidenisms are just careless speaking (bad “facts”, poor wording, half-baked ideas not yet ready for prime time), proving that Biden’s mouth lacks a filter connected to his brain, the other 1/3 are uncomfortable truths blurted out to the wrong audience or at the wrong time, proving that Biden also has “the Bard’s Tongue”.

And also demonstrating why, despite this:

“Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly it might have been a better pick than me.”

it’s a better call to have Biden as VP and Clinton as Secretary of State. Because you can tolerate a VP with the Bard’s Tongue. You can’t have a Secretary of State with it. If Biden were Secretary of State, eventually he’d say something like:

“Oh, heck, just build the damn bomb…we’re not going to nuke you over it. In fact, we’re not even going to get all that mad about it, once it’s done…just make sure you cut a deal with the Israelis so they don’t nuke you…maybe recognize them, they like that…or give them some of those turbanheads you support over in Beruit, or something.”

to Iran in high-level talks, and that sort of thing just looks bad…

I mean, that’s what you have lower-level staffers for, so you can say those things and then deny them publicly later…

ANM: As much as I like Joe Biden, I thought AOC was right on the money with the VP’s bad case of foot-in-mouth disease. But the only thing I could think of was The Bard’s Tale. And I could only wonder, does Joe Biden sing It’s bad luck to be you? AOC responded as follows:

Heh. Well, no, not that I’ve heard. But on the other hand, I don’t think either of us can know whether, perhaps, he isn’t serenaded by obnoxious faeries singing this to him in desolate places…so you never know…and he certainly has the right heritage for all this.

Hmm, I never really thought about that…maybe he does have the Bard’s tongue.

Maybe that’s why he’s VP…maybe Obama figures that if anyone can deliver the unicorn farts and rainbows…it’d be a guy with an in with the wee folk!

Welcome to our first regular installment of “Fixed That For You!”.

A little known fact about the 12 Angry Men is that we have an internal e-mail list wherein we discuss potential stories, troll one another, and in general have a good time. One of the frequent memes that tends to crop up is the comment “Fixed That For You!” followed by an edited version of someone’s statement. These tend towards gross misrepresentation, and hilarity, so we’ve decided to share them with you, dear readers!

This week’s topic began as a debate on whether the government or private industry was better suited to serve the needs of the public.


Herein lies the problem. Government types, especially LIBERAL government types believe they are smarter than your average American, and that they know what is best for you better than you do. It’s a sick and arrogant version of the “white man’s burden”, and they don’t even seem to realize how condescending it is. When coupled with corrupt government officials out for their own pocketbook, it creates an absurd system. Promising the moon, charging for the sun, and pocketing so much that you only deliver next to nothing.
-Angry Midwesterner
 

Excellent rant. But let me fix that for you! Here’s the Subprime Crisis edition:

Herein lies the problem. CEO types, especially conservative CEO types believe they are smarter than your average American, and that they know what is best for you better than you do. It’s a sick and arrogant version of the “white man’s burden”, and they don’t even seem to realize how condescending it is. When coupled with corrupt CEOs out for their own pocketbook, it creates an absurd system. Promising the moon, charging for the sun, and pocketing so much that you only deliver next to nothing.
-Angry New Mexican
 

Now, now, let’s give Barney Frank and Chris Dodd their due, please.

Herein lies the problem. Congressmen, especially Democratic Congressmen believe they are smarter than your average American, and that they know what is best for you better than you do. It’s a sick and arrogant version of the “white man’s burden”, and they don’t even seem to realize how condescending it is. When coupled with corrupt Congressmen out for their own pocketbook, it creates an absurd system. Promising the moon, charging for the sun, and pocketing so much that you only deliver next to nothing.

There, fixed that for you.
-Angry Overeducated Catholic
 

Let’s give Barney Frank and schloads of Republicans their… *ahem*, “due”, please.

Herein lies the problem. Congressmen, especially Democratic Congressmen believe they are smarter than your average American, and that they know what is best for you better than you do. It’s a sick and arrogant version of the “gay man’s burden”, and they don’t even seem to realize how condescending it is. When coupled with corrupt Congressmen out for their own pocketbook, it creates an absurd system. Promising the moon, charging for the sun, and pocketing so much that you only deliver next to nothing.

There, fixed that for you.
-Angry Midwesterner
 

Someone might want to contact the heads of Abercrombie & Fitch and teach them how to get away with work place discrimination. Not that it is ever a good thing to discriminate against your employees. We here at the 12 Angry Men don’t endorse such behavior at all. But if you’re going to treat your workers unfairly it is generally best to do so with uneducated minorities who are disenfranchised and don’t garner much sympathy with the popular media.

It’s pretty clear that Abercrombie and Fitch are going to learn this lesson the hard way, because really, what do you think is going to happen if you discriminate against a young attractive white female with a prosthetic arm who, just by the way, happens to have finished sitting her law exams and is nearly a practicing lawyer? Does that really sound like a great idea? To me it just sounds like a recipe for getting publicly humiliated and shelling out £25,000 in settlement to a budding lawyer who is sure to become a darling of the press. Say it with me everyone, “Abercrombie & Fitch, you’re DOING IT WRONG!”

-Angry Midwesterner


Suppose, just hypothetically speaking, you live in an 85 year old house with just one full bath and one half bath.

Suppose, again hypothetically speaking, your four year old son managed to make the full bathroom door lock itself after he left the bathroom. The full bathroom has no windows, and is on the second floor. It is completely enclosed.

The lock on the full bath is a mortise lock similar to http://www.historichouseparts.com/images/0216-03.jpg ; but there is no keyhole on the outside; the lock itself is only on the inside.

Hypothetically speaking, how do you open the door?

Hypothetically speaking, do you let the son live?

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