Breaking News: Cheney Defeated, Flees Planet In Shame

WASHINGTON (AFP) – Things in Washington seem to be quiet at last after the last day’s worth of events. Shortly after the statement of John Smith from London, a 1950’s era police box appeared on the White House Lawn with an army of Cheney clones ready to open fire. At that moment a crack force known only as the Wolverenes lead by actor-cum-badass Chuck Norris dropped via parachute onto the lawn to engage the clone army. Obama sycophant David Axelrod was at the scene preparing babies for Cheney’s consumption. He says:

“We were all forced to do horrible, unspeakable things at the hands of President Cheney, lest we be shot in the face by the clone army. Suddenly the clone army assembled as a 1950’s era British police box appeared out of nowhere on the lawn. Immediately thereafter, Chuck Norris’ crack team showed up and engaged the army in a wicked fight. That man’s chief export is pain, but I doubt that he knew what a machine Dick Cheney really was. Anyway, in the midst of the fighting, this John Smith fellow and some woman I couldn’t make out slipped out of the police box and headed for the Oval Office. Since I had recently finished soiling myself, I followed on hands and knees to see what was happening.”

Accounts from this point differ, but it appears that Mr. Smith confronted a well prepared President Cheney in his office fortress. After capturing Mr. Smith in a sonic net, President Cheney took the opportunity to gloat:

“Leave it to a foreigner to send an alien to fight me! To slothful to fight their own battles in Iraq or Afghanistan, even now as I cement my reign on this planet, they cannot be bothered to fight for themselves. I look forward to consuming their bloated, decadent flesh, as I will consume yours, Doctor, for I know who you are.”

According to Mr. Axelrod, Mr. Smith then responded,

“I think not Dick, or can I call you Richard, you know I’ve always preferred the name ever since I met Richard the First, great chap. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, stopping you from taking over the earth.”

Mr. Cheney replied:

“And you will do this how?”

Mr. Smith responded:

“First, your sonic net is no match for my sonic screwdriver, and second, I was just trying to distract you while she hit you over the head.”

At that point, Senator Hillary Clinton hit Mr. Cheney over the head with what appeared to be a copy of Ann Coulter’s latest book, Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and Their Assault on America. By the time Mr. Cheney recovered consciousness, his clone army had suffered a viscous beating at the hands of Chuck Norris, a man who does not get frostbite; rather he bites frost. Mr. Cheney immediately triggered his teleportation device and oddly forgoing the usual “I’ll be back” speech, returned to his waiting spacecraft and left earth. By this time the mysterious Mr. Smith and his more mysterious police box has vanished.

A spokeswoman for Senator Clinton said she’d be spending some time away from Washington, looking at the stars. Besides, the Senator noted, there may be some world that really would want her to be president.

 

Breaking News: Man Says It’s Cheney’s Last Chance To Surrender

LONDON (AFP) – A man close to Prime Minister Gordon Brown, going only by the name “John Smith” has announced to the world that this is President Cheney’s last chance before his utter annihilation. Mr. Smith remarked as follows:

“I address the Aphrilotexans, and their leader Che’ney, according to convention 15 of the Shadow Proclamation. If I might observe, you infiltrated this civilization by means of warped, shunt technology. So, may I suggest, with the greatest respect, that you shunt off? I give you one last chance. I can find you a planet. I can find you a place in the universe to coexist. Take that offer and end this now. Fail to do that and you will only be bringing your end upon yourselves.”

President Cheney’s spokescheney at the White House had only one comment: “Go f@#$ yourself, Doctor,” and placed US forces on DEFCON 1.

 

Breaking News: Cheney Admits Alien Origin, Promises New Prosperity, Technology, Food Source

The President at His Press Conference.

CHENEYVILLE (AFP) – In a shocking admission, a smirking President Cheney openly confirmed British Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s recent allegation that the President, and his clone army, are of extraterrestrial origin:

“Alien? Yes, of course. Wait, you really didn’t know? Nobody. I mean, you didn’t suspect? Even after the Bush years? Heh, your species is even dumber than I thought. Yes, I am an alien, from a far more advanced and far more intelligent species. But I take issue with the whole “not friendly” claim.

What does Mr. Brown use to back up his “not friendly” claim: my love of shooting people in the face? My different, and substantially more advanced, biology? That is typical European elitism. My fellow Americans, are we not a nation of immigrants? Don’t we welcome anyone to our great country who believes in the ideals of America? And what, I ask you, could be more American than blasting annoying idiots in the face with a shotgun!”

The President’s remarks were greated by shouts of support and applause, and not simply from the terrified former White House Press Corps which the President has now directed to act as his own personal studio audience. Smirking widely at the crowd, the President continued:

“Yes, I am an alien, and an American, and I can promise America will share in our powerful alien technology! Saucers, death beams, indestructible war machines that look like pepper shakers…we’ve got them all, and soon, so will you! And that will bring a new era of prosperity to you, America. No longer will you have to ‘trade’ for foreign goods. No longer will you be slaves to foreign debt. No, my fellow Americans, we will just take what we want, and death to any foreigner who tries to stop us!!!

The President was forced to pause at this point due to a spontaneous chorus of “USA, USA” from the assembled crowd. When he was able to continue he made one final promise:

“And, finally, we will not only end poverty through plunder, but, my friends, hunger itself. With the world’s infants available for our consumption, no American will ever want for food. Just think, all the sweet succulent baby flesh that any Texan…or human…could want…eh, am I hungry, well, gotta go, there’s a whole British embassy’s worth of tasty little ones waiting in the White House dining room!”

This correspondent asked numerous attendees to comment upon the President’s final remarks, but there was no consensus on what these words might mean or just how the world’s supply of young children might be made available for American use. White House spokescheneys said that a detailed plan would be provided “after lunch.”

 

Breaking News: Cheney is an Alien, Says Brown!

Gordon Brown Addresses the World

LONDON (AFP) – Responding to recent statements by the self-proclaimed “The One True President” of the United States, Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown held a press conference at Westminster. Here are his remarks in full:

“Members of Parliament and Citizens of the World. A few hours ago, Dick Cheney’s clone army seized control of the White House and the American Presidency. President Obama was injured during the attack, but escaped due to the assistance of a friend and ally of the British Crown. He is currently in London recuperating, wishing that I had a Region 1 DVD player to play those DVDs he gave me the other month. Sadly, nobody in Mr. Obama’s office seemed to realize that the UK is in Region 2 and now I’m stuck with useless DVDs. Well, Mr. Obama can meditate on that for a while he’s watching Are You Being Served reruns.

As for Mr. Cheney and his army, they are from an alien species known only as Aphrilotexans and they are not friendly to the human race. Don’t ask me how I know this, but I am quite certain this is true. They are armed and very dangerous and have a penchant for excessive shotgun usage and public executions. And they drink the blood of the living, just to be clear.

To the American people, I have but one message: We stand together. Lucky for us that’s several thousand miles away.

God save the Queen. God save us all.”

 

Breaking News: Dick Cheney Proclaims Himself President!

Dick Cheney Proclaims Himself President

CHENEYVILLE (AFP) – Following rumors that President Barack Obama has fled to London, Dick Cheney, whose clone army recently seized the White House, has proclaimed himself The One True President of the United States, issued warrants for the arrest of Mr. Obama and renamed Washington, DC to Cheneyville. His clone army has also appeared in New York and has executed chiefs of several notable TARP-recipient investment banks to the cheers of the crowds forming in the streets. “Cheney is back, bitches! To America’s enemies, I have only one message: Go f#$% yourselves,” said the real (?) Mr. Cheney from his fortress in the Oval Office.

Public opinion on the Cheney coup is mixed. Joe Simmons, 27 of Arlington, VA was quoted as saying, “I was getting tired of Obama and Geithner dancing around this AIG bonus thing. Only Dick Cheney has the cajones to shoot those jerks in the face… which his clone army just did.” New York Times columnist Tom Friedman was about to express his disapproval of the Cheney coup in a phone interview with your correspondent, when he too was shot in the face by the clone army.

 

Breaking News: President Obama Safe In London!

President Obama, Gordon Brown with an Unidentified Man in London

LONDON (AFP) – John Smith, a spokesman for British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, reports that President Barack Obama has arrived safely in London, mere minutes after the attack on the Oval Office by what appears to have been an army of clones of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Mr. Smith handed over copies of the above photograph as proof that President Obama is safe in London. According to Mr. Smith, President Obama will be in closed meetings with Prime Minister Brown and members of the Torchwood Institute until the evening when he will address the nation. When asked as to how Mr. Obama managed to escape to London from the Oval Office, Mr. Smith cryptically responded that it was “Wibbly-wobbly, Timey-wimey stuff.”

 

Breaking News: Oval Office Under Attack By Army of Dick Cheney Clones!

An Army of Dick Cheney Clones Attack The Oval Office

WASHINGTON (AFP) – Sources in the Secret Service are reporting that the Oval Office is under attack by what appears to be an army of clones of former Vice President Dick Cheney. According to one unnamed staffer, the clone army first appeared in the Lincoln Bedroom, where they shot at least one Secret Service guard in the face before advancing on the Oval Office. The same staffer also provided the above photo, which shows an unidentified man trying to warn President Obama about the threat. The object in the background behind the president has yet to be identified, nor is it known how it wound up on the White House lawn. The Secret Service has made no official comment at this point.

 

The Stars ARE Right: McCain 2008

Why vote for the lesser evil, indeed? The Stars have finally aligned for Senator McCain, who is, in fact, actually a brain in a jar substituted for the real John McCain in 1972 (while still a POW) who has taken the long, cold journey from the Planet Yuggoth. The Elder Sign Party’s secret to infiltrate the US Government was scotched back when Ronald Reagan had his polyps removed before he could invert and turn into a flying polyp. This maintained the influence of the Great Race on the POTUS… continuing a war dating back millenia… now in the shadows after the Truce of Yaksh and Tond. This time, the mi-go will NOT BE DENIED THEIR PLACE AT THE TABLE.

IA!IA!CTHULHU F’THAGN!

 

Ron Paul to Encircle Pentagon: Opposed to Cthulu’s Return

Ron Paul, in a press conference today called for the complete encirclement of the Pentagon. “Clearly, the Pentagon, as a three dimensional representation of the pentagram, represents the most probable gateway to the demon realm from which Cthulu will return. Given the money that conservatives are willing to spend building walls against the surge of illegal immigrants, a better use would be to build permanent fortifications against the likely emergence of evil.”

Ron Paul went on to express grave concerns about the current Democratic hopefuls noting that recent blog posts on both Clinton’s and Obama’s behalf for the ‘Demonic Rectification of the Earth’ indicate that the Democratic party has been suborned by the forces of evil. “Anti-war positions espoused by both candidates clearly are an attempt to misdirect attention from the Pentagon where activities have increased in anticipation of their control of the White House.”

Asked about his proposals to bring the troops home immediately if elected, Congressman Paul stated “These troops could be better used to surround the Pentagon. As long as we maintain a closed circle, the inter-realm gateway cannot be opened.” Paul intends to use the troops to maintain a triple row of soldiers connected hand-to-hand to seal the gateway until a more permanent silver impregnated wall can be constructed.

The commodities market reacted swiftly bidding silver to an all-time high of $24.67 per troy ounce, up $8.00 over Monday’s close.

 

Obama Aides Claim Candidate is Sufficiently Committed to Cthulu’s Return

Following recent allegations by Angry Midwesterner of The 12 Angry Men Blog, Obama aides have issued a recent press statement confirming their candidate’s committment to Cthulu’s return. “Senator Obama rejects any allegations that he is insufficiently committed to the return of Cthulu and the Great Old Ones,” the press release notes. “The claims from the Clinton campaign, and their proxy, Angry Midwesterner, that Senator Obama opposes Cthulu’s return are unconscionable. As the Senator clearly stated this morning, `Let me make this blunt: The stars are right for his return.’ While Senator Obama has yet to advance to the level in the Cult which would entitle him to a cloak of pure darkness like Senator Clinton, he says with confidence, `Cthulhu fhtagn.'”

The Campus Crusade for Cthulu, a pro-R’lyeh student organization, immediately applauded Senator Obama’s move. Miskatonic University Crusade spokesman Auggie Derleth noted, “We were all more or less Obama supporters anyway, so this announcement is great news. Now the world knows that Obama isn’t a Muslim, but rather he awaits the day when `the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth’ as Old Castro hath spoken. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”