Troll of the Week


“I hate Missouri Nazis” edition.

What do you do when a stupid hate group adopts-a-highway and you have to put its name on the signs?

Why, rename that stretch of highway after someone they hate, of course…

Rep. Sara Lampe, D-Springfield, got an amendment added to a transportation bill to rename [the road] the “Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel Memorial Highway.” Heschel marched with Martin Luther King Jr. at the Selma, Ala., Civil Rights march in 1965.

Take that, you racist jack-booted thugs! For your blatant abuse of freedom of speech and association, you are now subject to keeping the rabbi’s highway nice and spit-polished clean.

Excellent job, Rep. Lampe! I hope your bill passes into law. And for your excellent counter-troll (for all neo-nazi groups are flamers), we award you the George Takei Troll of the Week award.

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This is a special section of the 12 Angry Men Blog where we celebrate the best Troll to be found anywhere that week. While there are many varieties of troll, ranging from the fuzzy-haired dashboard decorations to the waylayer of the Billy Goats Gruff, we enjoy a well-executed jabbing that leaves an adversary stammering for a response. Any moron can produce a flame—mere sewage dumped upon the city square—but to produce a good Troll is a work worthy of the celebration of men.

The Troll of the Week segment will be written frequently enough to be termed “periodic”, but the actual label “of the week” is merely idealistic ambition, and it is not to be taken seriously.

Our inaugural Troll of the Week set the bar high, and it has been exceedingly difficult to find company worthy of it. But we’ve soldiered on and found a few. Usually solitary but sometimes, as now feeding off one another. Every troll desires attention, of course, but sometimes the attention desired is that of a particular individual, one who has (the troll feels) wronged him in some deep and fundamental way. This is amusing enough when it involves serious matter, but when the deep and terrible wrong is over something truly trivial, like a cup of expresso, well, much like losing an eye, then it’s hilarious.

Context and Execution of Trolls:

On July 13th, Jeff Simmermon (who will live up to his name) walked into Murky Coffee (which presumably lives up to its name) in Arlington, VA. His goal was a simple one: enjoy some coffee, some free WiFi, and the ambiance of a coffee shop while waiting for his girlfriend. A simple dream, and one that a high-class coffee palace like Murky Coffee would be happy to fulfill—or so you’d think. But soon an ugly problem reared its head, for, you see, Jeff wanted a triple expresso over ice (horrors)! Yes, that’s right, he wanted the highly trained and deeply passionate barista to go to all the work of producing three cups of perfect expresso and then dump it over ice. Naturally, the barista complained:

And the guy at the counter looked me in the eye with a straight face and said “I’m sorry, we can’t serve iced espresso here. It’s against our policy.”

Jeff’s reaction was, perhaps, all to familiar to some of us:

The whole world turned brown and chunky for a second. Flecks of corn floated past my pupils, and it took me a second to blink it all away.

“Okay,” I said, “I’ll have a triple espresso and a cup of ice, please.”

After that, the whole tawdry drama played itself out:

He rolled his eyes and rang it up, took my money, gave me change. I stood there and waited. Then the barista called me over to the bar. I reached for it, and he leaned over and locked his eyes with mine, saying “Hey man. What you’re about to do … that’s really, really Not Okay.”

I could hear the capital letters in his voice, could see the gravity of the situation in his eyes.

He continued: “This is our store policy, to preserve the integrity of the coffee. It’s about the quality of the drink, and diluting the espresso is really not cool with us. So I mean, you’re going to do what you’re going to do, and I can’t stop you, but”

First Troll, complete. A customer, eager to exchange money for goods and services, is met not with service or understanding but with condescension and accusations of gross immorality. The first cup’s raised to you, David the Barista!

Not to be outdone, however, Jeff was quick to reply and meet Troll with Troll:

I interrupted. “You’re goddamned right you can’t stop me,” I said. “I happen to have a personal policy that prohibits me from indulging stupid bullshit like this — and another personal policy of doing what I want with the products I pay for.” Then I looked him right in his big wide eyes and poured the espresso onto the ice.

Now, that might have been the end of it (since David didn’t rise to the occasion and punch Jeff in the face or anything). But, true Troll that he is, Jeff couldn’t leave it there. He headed back up to the register and confronted his nemesis once again:

“I would like the strongest iced beverage your policy will allow,” I said.

“How about an Americano with four shots and light on the water” asked the barista.

I’d never had one before — so I said, “sure.”

Then he turned around and filled up a plastic cup with ice, filled it 3/4 of the way with water and carefully added four shots of espresso. He stirred it gravely and handed it to me, saying “enjoy.” And you know what? I really did. You’ve got to admire someone’s dedication to craft, and rigid adherence to a strict quality control policy. I was really, really impressed. So impressed that I swallowed my rage like so much cold coffee, opened up my wallet, and left a tip in the tip jar.

Jeff’s tip, of course, was his masterwork:

The Troll de la resistance
 

It was that tip, perhaps, that turned what was already a fine Double Header into a Triple Play. For not only were armchair baristas and amateur consumer advocates across the Internet now lining up behind Jeff or David, but Nick Cho, the owner of Murky Coffee, literally The Man whose word was law for David, threw his hat into the ring, issuing a truly professional, well-reasoned, and temperate letter.

We could try to sum things up, but I really think that Nick’s words speak for themselves as no one else’s could:

I suppose some sort of two-cents is warranted here.

Okay, we don’t do espresso over ice. Why? Number one, because we don’t do it. Number two, because we don’t do it. Mostly for quality reasons. Also, because more than half the time, it’s abused (Google “ghetto latte”).

[…]

David, the barista in question, is respectful, passionate, and cares about making good coffee, and he cares about murky’s policies. Nobody’s perfect, and maybe David could have chosen different words or a slightly different tack in responding to Jeff Simmermon’s request. But that’s life. At murky, we try to treat people with common courtesy, and expect the same from our customers.

[…]

To Mr. Simmermon, you overplayed your hand with your vulgar tip-schtick. While I certainly won’t bemoan you your right to free-speech, I have to respond to you in your own dialect: F*@k you, Jeff Simmermon. Considering your public threat of arson, you’ll understand when I say that if you ever show your face at my shop, I’ll punch you in your dick.

Respectfully,
Nick
Owner, murky coffee

Way to elevate the dialog, Nick! Well Trolled, sir, well Trolled.

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For their combined efforts showing off the promise of Web 2.0 to replace not only infomercials, conspiracy shows, and Prime Time television, but daytime TV as well, we award co-Trolls of the Week to Nick Cho, Jeff Simmermon, and the unsung David the Barista! As always they will receive an honorary beer at the Man Lunch, but after lunch, if they’d like, we’d be happy to take them to our local snooty coffeeshop and offer them each the coffee beverage of their choice…even if that choice is expresso over ice—crema be damned!

(NOTE: In case you’re wondering why our first Murky Coffee link was a link to a response to an update to Nick’s letter instead of their main page…that is their main page. ‘Nuff Said!)

(SECOND NOTE: Some might argue that one or more of these Trolls are really candidates for Douche of the Week. That is debatable, of course, but we prefer to think more kindly of them. Remember the rule: a Douche is oblivious, a Troll knows he’s Trolling. Of course, sometimes it can be darn hard to tell, and nothing screams Douchery like a botched attempt at Trollery. We prefer to think that each and every one of these fine folks realized his actions were, perhaps, just a bit, slightly, over-the-top—but they just couldn’t stop themselves. Always a problem, as true Trolls everywhere know all too well!)

This is a special section of the 12 Angry Men Blog where we celebrate the best Troll to be found anywhere during the past week. While there are many varieties of troll, ranging from the fuzzy-haired dashboard decorations to the waylayer of the Billy Goats Gruff, we enjoy a well-executed jabbing that leaves an adversary stammering for a response. Any moron can produce a flame—mere sewage dumped upon the city square—but to produce a good Troll is a work worthy of the celebration of men.

The Troll of the Week segment will be written frequently enough to be termed “periodic”, but the actual label “of the week” is merely idealistic ambition, and it is not to be taken seriously.


This week’s winner of Troll of the Week is going international. A first for us here at the angry man blog. We wish to recognize an individual who has truly gone were no troll has gone before… bringing the wonderful world of internet insults mud-slinging, and occasional respondent legal ramifications (not to mention threats of physical harm) to the heart of a community of monks.

Context of the Troll:
China and Japan have long been natural enemies at the best of times and hostile beyond human capacity at the worst. Tensions between the two nations have been strained over the past 60 years, as China feels that Japan has not been suitably apologetic for atrocities committed during the Second World War. This also makes China a bit temperamental about anything seen as overtly aggressive or militaristic in Japanese behavior. One issue that typical meets these criteria is the realm of Martial Arts. Both nations hold powerful national pride attached to their homegrown fighting styles.

Execution of the Troll:
Last week an internet user identified only as “Five Minutes Every Day” posted a comment on the “Iron Blood Bulletin Board Community”. In his post he claimed that a Japanese Ninja visited The Shaolin Temple to challenge the monks there to combat and that the monks with their Kung Fu were unable to defeat the Ninja.

“The facts that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain.”

The entire Chinese nation was outraged, and the monks, eager to defend their honor quickly took action. That is correct, they got a lawyer and are suing the post’s author. Wait you say? A lawyer?!? This can not be Grasshopper!!! No cryptic Kosh-esque statement about the truth pointing to itself, or understanding being a three edged sword?!? No Caine/Master Po wisdom about patience and harmony?!? While the story could be completed right then and there, as most such stories would, it in fact continues on in its hilarity.

The author had written the post in an attempt to satirize the monastery and its head monk for not living up to the ideals and image that they foster and perpetuate (most notably that the order’s leader has his own chauffeur driven car). In a supreme irony, the monks response essentially proved his point, while at the same time demonstrating that same decadent legalism that China vilifies the West for. A two for one deal; not bad “Five Minutes Every Day”. Though trolling a bunch of monks, nay the Shaolin Temple itself, is worthy of song and herald into the halls of the legendary trolls, this was still not yet enough for “Five Minutes Every Day”. These statements led to the following responses which only serve to hurt the position of those making them:

“The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologize to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did,” -Lawyer for the Shaolin Temple, cited in the Beijing News

Yes, yes, we all know how they feel about free speech in China. For crimethink they would love to make “Five Minutes Every Day” an unperson.

“It is not only extremely irresponsible behavior with respect to the Shaolin temple and its monks, but also to the whole martial art and Chinese nation” -Shaolin Monks cited in Beijing News

Is this a bad time for a “my kung fu is better than your’s” comment?

In a fantastic one-two combo troll, the author used a favorite troll tactic and posted a fake apology/second troll:

“What I wrote was fiction. I apologize to Shaolin Temple and all my readers….I hope that the Shaolin masters will exercise their Buddhist compassion and virtue, and forgive me. Thank you very much.”

“..Buddhist compassion and virtue, forgive me.” Classic, simply classic, way to subtly insult while on the surface back pedal and all the while maneuver them into a corner that they must accept the half-assed fake apology to save face. I owe you a beer!

Here is hoping that the Ask a Ninja is looking forward to killing the Shaolin lawyer soon. Mc Shaolin, it seems that you have met your match in the keyboard warriors. Long live the parody and comedy. I personally vote for Chuck!

Internetz Honor

For this inspired troll, “Five Minutes Every Day” is awarded the coveted Troll of the Week, and will receive an honorary beer at the Man Lunch. In addition to beer I personally owe you for the entertainment you offered. Any Shaolin Monks wishing to sue “Five Minutes Every Day” for the honor of said beer might find that once done, this beer much like their actions would then be without honor.

This is a special section of the 12 Angry Men Blog where we celebrate the best Troll to be found anywhere during the past week. While there are many varieties of troll, ranging from the fuzzy-haired dashboard decorations to the waylayer of the Billy Goats Gruff, we enjoy a well-executed jabbing that leaves an adversary stammering for a response. Any moron can produce a flame—mere sewage dumped upon the city square—but to produce a good Troll is a work worthy of the celebration of men.

The Troll of the Week segment will be written frequently enough to be termed “periodic”, but the actual label “of the week” is merely idealistic ambition, and it is not to be taken seriously.



This week’s winner of Troll of the Week bears special recognition, as it recognizes an individual not only for a wonderfully executed and technically beautiful troll, but for a lifetime of trollish achievements. So let us all raise a glass, and without further ado, celebrate the life and trolls of Mr. John Bambenek.

Context of the Troll:

To many people, John Bambenek is a familiar name. Whether you know him from his noted career as a columnist for the Daily Illini, his popular political blog, television appearances, his work in the field of computer security, or efforts as a philanthropist, chances are you’ve come across his love of trolling. It seems that Mr. Bambenek loves a good hot flame war more than your average person, and loves starting them even more. But his latest “accomplishment” has even impressed his regular fans. John has managed to create quite a storm and trolled the living daylights out of the ultra-left-wing blog The Daily Kos who awarded him the title “Wanker of the Year” for his efforts.

Those of us who know him (and many of us here at the 12 Angry Men have been blessed with the opportunity to share a beer with this troll among men) know that for all of the vehemence and righteous anger that Mr. Bambenek so often writes with, he also knows how to laugh at his own articles and enjoys the arguments both for the sake of the argument as well as the points he is trying to make. As such, it makes all of us here chuckle even more when the wackos from both the right wing side of the aisle as well as the left demonstrate that they simply don’t get John at all. In their efforts to be furious and clever, they never notice that the joke is on them. We’re all laughing at you, and with Mr. Bambenek.

Execution of the Troll:

While John has stirred up quite a few hornet’s nests in the past, few of his previous attempts garnered the sort of press and recognition as his current pièce de résistance. On Monday, July 23rd, 2007, Mr. Bambenek filed an FEC complaint against Kos Media, LLC, alledging that they operate as a political committee, and not just a blog. He points out that the Daily Kos admits this fact on their own website, in their own words many times.

Forseeing cries that his action is an attack against free speech, Mr. Bambenek rebutts these claims up front saying:

Some will argue that this is a slippery slope that will snare all bloggers. First, most bloggers aren’t organizations. Second, most bloggers are read by like 3 people and their posts are certainly not worth $1,000. Third, most bloggers don’t exist for the primary purpose of electing certain people to federal office.

While the results of Mr. Bambenek’s complaint to the FEC are still unknown, the results of this troll on the Blogo-Sphere are already quite obvious.

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For his efforts at trolling not just one side of the political spectrum, but both the rightys and the leftys, and the enormous uproar his actions have caused and are still causing, we happily award John Bambenek Troll of the Week and an honorary beer at The Man Lunch, which we sincerely hope he will join us for as for once a recipient of this reward is within driving distance. Mr. Bambenek, we look forward to seeing you on Thursday and can’t wait for Part II of this exciting troll.

– The Staff of the 12 Angry Men


Update: Mr. Bambenek has posted an excellent response to his naysayer’s here. Keep fighting the good fight John. We love your work and applaud you.

This is a special section of the 12 Angry Men Blog where we celebrate the best Troll to be found anywhere during the past week. While there are many varieties of troll, ranging from the fuzzy-haired dashboard decorations to the waylayer of the Billy Goats Gruff, we enjoy a well-executed jabbing that leaves an adversary stammering for a response. Any moron can produce a flame—mere sewage dumped upon the city square—but to produce a good Troll is a work worthy of the celebration of men.

The Troll of the Week segment will be written frequently enough to be termed “periodic”, but the actual label “of the week” is merely idealistic ambition, and it is not to be taken seriously.

We must ask apology for the long delay in this feature, but as we have always said, we will honor no troll before his time. Only the most refined and extraordinary trolls will even be considered for our high office, and so we have been forced, reluctantly, to watch and wait.

But we wait no longer. At last a troll as arisen, striding forth as boldly now as he once did in defense of his nation. And though he no longer fights with weapons of steel and fire, he still does battle, fighting with speech and pen—and, as we shall show, occasionally with song.

Context of the Troll:

From time to time, every man is tested. Even one whose iron will was forged in the hellish crucible of the notorious Communist prison camps of North Vietnam. And, as we have said in these very pages, if anyone will try a man’s soul, it’s those trolls without peer, the Iranians. And if anything will try a man’s soul, it’s running for President for about the nineteenth time. I mean, sure, if you have the overwhelming arrogance and towering self-opinion of a John Kerry, you might weather it, but any normal man must begin to wonder if, perhaps, the electorate just doesn’t like him. And for a man who has turned to the classics in the past, perhaps the pressure simply could no longer be withstood but had to break free in song!

Execution of the Troll:

At an unsuspecting campaign stop in South Carolina last Wednesday, Sen. McCain was asked, not without reason, just when the United States would retaliate for Iran’s unceasing provocations. For whatever reason, instead of giving the same stock answer he’s doubtless given dozens of times before, Sen. McCain responded by singing, in his own inimitable style, a classic from the past:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-zoPgv_nYg

(If you’re not the sort to take to McCain’s “unplugged” stylings, you can enjoy the original sound in a relatively new video here. To all these younglings that seem to think that McCain was directly ripping off a Beach Boys song, I’m sorry, he was ripping off a jingoistic rip-off of a Beach Boys song.)

Lack of original unauthorized copying aside, it was a masterful troll. The Iranians are doubtless quite annoyed (or worried, depending). The Democrats are scrambling all over themselves to appear outraged. The other Republicans really don’t know what to say. McCain’s urging everyone to simply develop a sense of humor. And the American people? Well, aside from the hippies and peaceniks, most of them find it pretty funny.

This naturally puzzles most of the world, because they don’t understand that Americans find jokes about massive bombing funny. (Consider how UNICEF’s tragic Smurf Bombing Ad was found incredibly funny by many US audiences.) Sad? Perhaps. Immoral? Maybe. But true nonetheless.

So here’s to you, Senator McCain, for understanding both your target audiences so well! May your troll catapult you into the spotlight for good or for ill!

For this inspired troll, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is awarded the coveted Troll of the Week, and will receive an honorary beer at the Man Lunch. I’m afraid any accompanying bodyguards or campaign workers must buy their own. And, if women, must sit at an adjacent table. (Unless they’re really hot, then probably both of these strict rules of the Man Lunch get thrown out the window. I mean, we have principles, but we’re not fanatics…)

An Important Note: Dishonorable Runner-Up: Alec Baldwin

Some may wonder why Senator McCain won this week and not Alec Baldwin. As these folks may point out, it would seem that trolling your own child is somehow more pure: more clearly narcissistic and less likely to bring you any benefit, than trolling a nation run by misogynistic, antisemetic, homophobic religious zealots who make the Klu Klux Klan look like Rotary Club members.

All true…and all irrelevent. We have standards here at the Angry Man Blog, and Mr. Baldwin broke both of them. First, his “troll” was intended for a private audience, and not for public consumption. No matter how little Sen. McCain expected his words to be broadcast, he said them at a public appearance and before cameras. Second, and far more important, he trolled his little 12 (11? he’s not sure so how can we be) year old daughter! For goodness sakes, people, that’s not the action of a troll, that’s the action of a douche!

Trolls don’t destroy the precious psyche of a beloved child. Well, they may, but that’s not their primary intent. What Mr. Baldwin did was to engage in the worst form of douchebaggery. He doesn’t deserve a drink at the Man Lunch, he deserves a harsh beating at the monthly M.A.D.D. Brunch. And, in closing, may I just say:

You are worthless, Alec Baldwin…

[We will not dignify Mr. Baldwin’s actions by linking to the heartrending transcript or audio of his phone message. If you like that sort of thing, you can find it on the Net easily enough.]

This is a special section of the 12 Angry Men Blog where we celebrate the best Troll to be found anywhere that week. While there are many varieties of troll, ranging from the fuzzy-haired dashboard decorations to the waylayer of the Billy Goats Gruff, we enjoy a well-executed jabbing that leaves an adversary stammering for a response. Any moron can produce a flame—mere sewage dumped upon the city square—but to produce a good Troll is a work worthy of the celebration of men.

The Troll of the Week segment will be written frequently enough to be termed “periodic”, but the actual label “of the week” is merely idealistic ambition, and it is not to be taken seriously.

Continuing a one-week old tradition, this week’s Troll once again contains a video and a non-video Troll. Again, it was simply impossible to decide between two such excellent trolls, and in the end we had to go with both. As a quick aside, remember that it isn’t the content so much as the execution. Today’s first troll, in particular, is a rambling, incoherent diatribe, but it’s so well written that we can forgive the utter lack of reason and sense. The second, while less polished in execution, is such an irresistible taunting of its target audience, that it must go down in history.

Context and Execution of Trolls:

Many so-called “pundits” and “experts” have lamented the supposed lack of civility and decorum in politics. So prevelant has this view become that even supposedly wise and knowledgable politicians have begun to embrace it. While even a child can see that American politics are, if anything, not nearly angry enough, apparently some people can’t resist the urge to find anger anywhere and everywhere.

Apparently drunk with power at his status as America’s most brash and outspoken pundit, George Will could not help to weigh in on this matter. Wisely abandoning any attempt to argue his utterly indefinsible point, he was content to issue this most excellent troll:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/23/AR2007032301589.html

Let us leave aside, for a moment, the clearly ridiculous premise. (America is too angry? Good heavens man, clearly we aren’t angry enough. If anger really were “all the rage”, Howard Dean would be president! Hillary Clinton would be unbeatable! Ann Coulter would be invited to social events!) You have to give Will credit. Avoiding any pretence at reasoned discourse, he simply rants by assertion and advances a hodgepodge of so-called evidence willy-nilly. We have to admire the execution even as we lament the wrongheadedness of the premise.

The truest measure of a troll is whether its target can resist rising to the occasion. Who can resist responding to the crazy notion that anger is a bad thing? Clearly, not us. Touché, Mr. Will, you got us!

So, for his innovative use of unreason, George Will is awarded a co-Troll of the Week, and will receive an honorary beer at the Man Lunch. After we all punch him in the gut for his stupid position, naturally.

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Where George Will is passion and energy, Karl Rove is renowned for his calm demeanor and his cold, cold heart. And, given the current climate, he would seem a man with little to celebrate. After all, his party lost control of Congress, his President is beset on all sides, the senior members of his own party are unable to avoid either stuffing stuff into their pockets or whipping things out. You wouldn’t think Rove would feel much like singing, much less rapping.

But, as the Grinch Who Stole Fitzmas, Karl apparently felt like celebrating. Getting in touch with his inner K-Fed, Rove made his debut appearance at a recent Correspondents Dinner:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRSgjDEQy0

Okay, sure, it could have been more polished. Alright, let’s be honest, it’s the best argument since Vanilla Ice why white men shouldn’t rap. But, you have to give him credit, MC Rove couldn’t have picked a better method of trolling his enemies.

Think about it, there you are, a crazy angry liberal incensed at everything the Administration has done and believing Rove to be the devil incarnate. You’ve finally nailed Scooter Libby, you’ve finally got a Congress that’s happy to indulge your fixation on impeaching Bush, you’ve routed Rove’s forces on every front, and what does the man do? He chats about dodging questions and killing small animals and then raps about killing small animals and being white! And he obviously enjoys it!

Damn, Rove, you couldn’t have picked a better way to annoy the lefties! And as their responses show, they rose to the bait, big time. Congratulations, Karl, on a troll well done.

For his merciless assault on his dour foes, and good taste, MC Rove is awarded a co-Troll of the Week, and will receive an honorary beer at the Man Lunch. As long as he promises not to sing, or dance, or speak about stamp-collecting. Especially not stamp-collecting. Shudder.

This is a special section of the 12 Angry Men Blog where we celebrate the best Troll to be found anywhere that week. While there are many varieties of troll, ranging from the fuzzy-haired dashboard decorations to the waylayer of the Billy Goats Gruff, we enjoy a well-executed jabbing that leaves an adversary stammering for a response. Any moron can produce a flame—mere sewage dumped upon the city square—but to produce a good Troll is a work worthy of the celebration of men.

The Troll of the Week segment will be written frequently enough to be termed “periodic”, but the actual label “of the week” is merely idealistic ambition, and it is not to be taken seriously.

Our inaugural Troll of the Week, while deserving of every laud and honor, had one terrible flaw: it was too good. For long we searched for a troll worthy of following it, and came to despair. But now our despair has lifted and joyous happiness reigns once more, for our prayers/wishes/existential musings on the absurdity of life have been answered. Into our hands have been delivered not one, but two most excellent trolls.

Context and Execution of Trolls:

In 1984, Apple Computer, seeking a truly innovative way to launch their Macintosh line and promote its “Think Different” tagline, came up with a remarkable commercial. Wonderously unorthodox, it was brilliant—but then lost to the film vaults as the years passed it by, studied only by advertising students and other morally dubious types. Then came the 2008 Presidential campaign (beginning, as these things do, in late 2006).

Captured by the messianic fervor of Obamaism, and horrified at the rise of the Antichrist, Phil De Vellis (aka parkridge47), a card-carrying Democrat and wageslave at the left-of-center Internet stategy group Blue State Digital, received inspiration from on high, looked deep in the past, took a Sunday afternoon (and a Mac), and created the definitive political statement of our time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h3G-lMZxjo

The truest sign of the awesome power of this fine troll is the swift response of the servants of the Witch Queen of Chappaqua. Though they have now forced this noble troll into the light of day, and ripped from him his very livelihood, they cannot deny the power and grandeur of the work he has wrought.

Truly, Mr. De Villis, a troll for the ages…

For this most excellent troll, Phil De Vellis is awarded a co-Troll of the Week, and will receive an honorary beer at the Man Lunch. If he still needs work, he may rest assured that there are many places in the nation’s heartland that can still take a joke. Perhaps he should seek his fortune in the land of the Blessed One himself…

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Yet, even as all this was unfolding, another mighty mind watched with growing rage and jealousy at another phenomena sweeping the nation. Seething with rage at this unjust depiction of an unfortunate incident which befell the armed forces of his nation a mere 2487 years ago, Javad Shamaqdari took up pen and issued forth his challenge:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6446183.stm

While some might pause before launching into a tirade about a movie created from a comic book loosely interpreting an ancient battle, this brave Immortal strode forth to do verbal battle with the vicious Spartans of Hollywood. He was not deterred by their fierce array of publicists, nor by the terrible “cultural authorities” which guided their hand, nor by the inconvenient actions of his own government’s blood-drenched puppets.

Some may point to the hypocrisy of whining about plundering history while engaged in a project to rewrite history. Or of whining about a dramatic portrayal of Persian deaths while funding actual Jewish and American deaths. Or even that of protesting stereotyping while working for a government engaging in the crudest possible forms of the same. But a true troll lets none of these dissuade him.

And whatever else he might be, Mr. Shamaqdari is a troll without peer. So we salute you, Javad Shamaqdari, for refusing to allow logic, prudence, or restraint limit your right of free expression. We, unlike your own society, celebrate your right to offend us—especially when you do it which such absolute blindness to the irony of it all!

For this trollish response to a simple Hollywood movie, Javad Shamaqdari is awarded a co-Troll of the Week, and will receive an honorary beer at the Man Lunch. He will not drink it, we suppose, but we suggest he could extend his efforts to rewrite irritating history to eliminate those pesky prohibitions in the Quran.

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