With all the recent revelations about the ties between the mainstream candidates on both sides and the slumbering, hateful forces of the Great Old Ones (and their equally hateful enemies) who long to bring horrible death to us all, some might be considering changing their votes in the fall. While I can understand your revulsion at these feckless traitors to mankind, I must urge Americans not to give in to your anger and cast a knee-jerk vote for some third-party hack like Ralph Nader or a cracked-brain nutjob like Ron Paul.

Sure, both Nader and Paul say they oppose orchestrating the awakening of Dread Cthulhu and the resulting apocalyptic slaughter of all mankind. Sure, both claim to be free of ties to special interest groups, insane death cults, and alien fungi. Sure, both pose as outsiders who will not simply cleave to the failed policies of the past (such as the ongoing Secret Plan of the Illuminati to offer the world as a sacrifice to the Flying Polyps in the hopes of saving their own skins).

But who cares! They’re both wackos! Nader would destroy our economy, stop progress, and throw the world into poverty and ruin rather than see us destroy the planet—whether by global warming or raising dead gods from the bottom of the ocean. And Ron Paul actually wants to go back to the friggin’ gold standard, putting our country’s fate in the hands of the Indians! Madness!!!

If I’ve got to choose between betraying the world to unspeakable horrors and betraying my free-market, pro-technology, consumerist principles, I can tell you it’s no choice at all!

I know that being faced with the imminent death of all life on Earth can make you panic, but I urge everyone to stay calm, and think carefully about the choice you’ll make in November. Please don’t sell this country out to mindless environmentalism or outdated populism just to avoid selling it to horrors from the Outer Dark!

UPDATE: Naturally, not 10 minutes after I posted this some (doubtless pimple-faced) self-styled “high priest” of some unspeakable cult sent email ripping me apart for misuse of “mythos terminology”. (As if anyone could actually categorize all this nonsense.) Normally I wouldn’t care, but to spare myself weeks of pointless death threats and the inevitable plague of nightgaunts, I’ve made the changes—under protest!