With all the recent revelations about the ties between the mainstream candidates on both sides and the slumbering, hateful forces of the Great Old Ones (and their equally hateful enemies) who long to bring horrible death to us all, some might be considering changing their votes in the fall. While I can understand your revulsion at these feckless traitors to mankind, I must urge Americans not to give in to your anger and cast a knee-jerk vote for some third-party hack like Ralph Nader or a cracked-brain nutjob like Ron Paul.

Sure, both Nader and Paul say they oppose orchestrating the awakening of Dread Cthulhu and the resulting apocalyptic slaughter of all mankind. Sure, both claim to be free of ties to special interest groups, insane death cults, and alien fungi. Sure, both pose as outsiders who will not simply cleave to the failed policies of the past (such as the ongoing Secret Plan of the Illuminati to offer the world as a sacrifice to the Flying Polyps in the hopes of saving their own skins).

But who cares! They’re both wackos! Nader would destroy our economy, stop progress, and throw the world into poverty and ruin rather than see us destroy the planet—whether by global warming or raising dead gods from the bottom of the ocean. And Ron Paul actually wants to go back to the friggin’ gold standard, putting our country’s fate in the hands of the Indians! Madness!!!

If I’ve got to choose between betraying the world to unspeakable horrors and betraying my free-market, pro-technology, consumerist principles, I can tell you it’s no choice at all!

I know that being faced with the imminent death of all life on Earth can make you panic, but I urge everyone to stay calm, and think carefully about the choice you’ll make in November. Please don’t sell this country out to mindless environmentalism or outdated populism just to avoid selling it to horrors from the Outer Dark!

UPDATE: Naturally, not 10 minutes after I posted this some (doubtless pimple-faced) self-styled “high priest” of some unspeakable cult sent email ripping me apart for misuse of “mythos terminology”. (As if anyone could actually categorize all this nonsense.) Normally I wouldn’t care, but to spare myself weeks of pointless death threats and the inevitable plague of nightgaunts, I’ve made the changes—under protest!

Why vote for the lesser evil, indeed? The Stars have finally aligned for Senator McCain, who is, in fact, actually a brain in a jar substituted for the real John McCain in 1972 (while still a POW) who has taken the long, cold journey from the Planet Yuggoth. The Elder Sign Party’s secret to infiltrate the US Government was scotched back when Ronald Reagan had his polyps removed before he could invert and turn into a flying polyp. This maintained the influence of the Great Race on the POTUS… continuing a war dating back millenia… now in the shadows after the Truce of Yaksh and Tond. This time, the mi-go will NOT BE DENIED THEIR PLACE AT THE TABLE.

IA!IA!CTHULHU F’THAGN!

Ron Paul, in a press conference today called for the complete encirclement of the Pentagon. “Clearly, the Pentagon, as a three dimensional representation of the pentagram, represents the most probable gateway to the demon realm from which Cthulu will return. Given the money that conservatives are willing to spend building walls against the surge of illegal immigrants, a better use would be to build permanent fortifications against the likely emergence of evil.”

Ron Paul went on to express grave concerns about the current Democratic hopefuls noting that recent blog posts on both Clinton’s and Obama’s behalf for the ‘Demonic Rectification of the Earth’ indicate that the Democratic party has been suborned by the forces of evil. “Anti-war positions espoused by both candidates clearly are an attempt to misdirect attention from the Pentagon where activities have increased in anticipation of their control of the White House.”

Asked about his proposals to bring the troops home immediately if elected, Congressman Paul stated “These troops could be better used to surround the Pentagon. As long as we maintain a closed circle, the inter-realm gateway cannot be opened.” Paul intends to use the troops to maintain a triple row of soldiers connected hand-to-hand to seal the gateway until a more permanent silver impregnated wall can be constructed.

The commodities market reacted swiftly bidding silver to an all-time high of $24.67 per troy ounce, up $8.00 over Monday’s close.

Hello, Angry Biologist here! While this blog was ostensibly created so that I could write rants along with my fellow Angry Men, as I kind of inspired the whole Angry Man Blog idea, I’ve been too busy watching pterodactyl porn for the last two years to actually write a rant! No really, in all seriousness I’ve been campaigning for a very important organization that I want you all to be aware of, it is called NAMALA, the North American Man Amphibian Love Association.

NAMALA is a group in the spirit of the American Way, Freedom, and Equal Rights for everyone. We work to provide a support group for interspecies relationships, and advocate sexual freedom for everyone! Why stop the laws at allowing gay marriage. What about people like me who have developed close intimate relationships with amphibians. Why don’t I have the right to marry the person or frog that I love? Why am I denied this freedom? Who will champion my rights? NAMALA, that’s who.

As a long time frog lover, I feel that what a consenting adult and amphibian do in the confines of their laboratory is no one’s business. But NOOOOOooo! I have to file papers with IACUC, and would you believe that writing up “sex” as the protocol you are going to use with an animal usually gets rejected!?!? Don’t even get me started on PETA. For folks who “love” animals, they certainly don’t love people who love animals. But one day, hopefully soon, we at NAMALA will win our fight against oppression and be free to enjoy hot frog on man action whenever we want. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some… uh… experiments to run… yeah, that’s it!

*RIBBIT*

Following recent allegations by Angry Midwesterner of The 12 Angry Men Blog, Obama aides have issued a recent press statement confirming their candidate’s committment to Cthulu’s return. “Senator Obama rejects any allegations that he is insufficiently committed to the return of Cthulu and the Great Old Ones,” the press release notes. “The claims from the Clinton campaign, and their proxy, Angry Midwesterner, that Senator Obama opposes Cthulu’s return are unconscionable. As the Senator clearly stated this morning, `Let me make this blunt: The stars are right for his return.’ While Senator Obama has yet to advance to the level in the Cult which would entitle him to a cloak of pure darkness like Senator Clinton, he says with confidence, `Cthulhu fhtagn.'”

The Campus Crusade for Cthulu, a pro-R’lyeh student organization, immediately applauded Senator Obama’s move. Miskatonic University Crusade spokesman Auggie Derleth noted, “We were all more or less Obama supporters anyway, so this announcement is great news. Now the world knows that Obama isn’t a Muslim, but rather he awaits the day when `the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth’ as Old Castro hath spoken. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”

Hillary, Servant of Blag'har

I’ve long been a staunch supporter of Barack Obama and while I still think he is the more qualified candidate I am today forced to endorse his opponent, the Mother of Lies, Hillary Clinton. After unsuccessfully running her campaign on a string of lies, yesterday Hillary Clinton showed her true face and purpose to the American Public™. Donning a robe of pure and utter darkness, she stood before the people of Pennsylvania on a cyclopean pedestal of untold horrors and said: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”, those dark words of unspeakable power and fear.

Now I have long suspected Hillary was a vile servant of Blag’har, Cthulu, or some other elder god, what with her drinking the blood of the innocent, desecrating churches and temples, the way dogs and other animals shrink from her presence, and her tendency to offer up human sacrifice. But today, barring her later citing sleep deprivation, or claims that she has been misspeaking for months now, we have ample evidence that indeed Hillary is attempting to awaken the evil spawn which has been dead for eons to cleanse the Earth of mankind.

In her senate seat in Washington dead Clinton lies dreaming, dreaming of the day she will summon the ceaseless horrors that lurk behind life in time and space and unleash these blasphemous beings from their prisons behind elder stars to wreak havoc on our lives. She yearns to see the seas run red with the blood of our race, and to hear the howling of our suffering in the air as if it were the very wind. She waits with anxious joy for the gates of Yogsothoth to be flung open so that the unspeakable horrors beyond can devour all who stand in her path.

The question many of you are likely asking now is, “If Hillary will bring the world to its knees with madness, terror and death, why would you endorse her?” The answer is simple, yet unintuitive. Voting for Obama will lead to a reasoned presidency in which Republicans and Democrats finally bury hatchets and begin working for the good of the American people rather than their own personal bank accounts, it is true, but what if you vote for Obama and Hillary wins anyway? Woe be unto us who anger the wrath of the High Priestess of Pain, Suffering, and Lies! While all of the Earth will tremble and die in the path of her unholy quest, you can be sure those who oppose her will be killed last after she wracks our beings with suffering so great that we will fill the air with our pleas for death. If instead we vote for Hillary, perhaps she will be merciful and slay us before we have to witness the Earth descend into Chaos and Madness!

So Vote Hillary! It may usher forth the final era of suffering for this world, but at least your death may be swift!

-Angry Midwesterner


BlagojevichDay
Illinois Governor Day

Where o where is our Public Official A? Since being surrounded on all sides by indicted friends and assistants, Governor Blogojevich has been hesitant to show his face in public. He has been sending his minions out to do his gubernatorial touting. We would like to coax him out of his hole and to do that we proclaim April 1st, Illinois Governor Day.

Punxsutawney Phil has nothing on us. On this day, should Governor Rod see his own shadow, we can be assured of six more months of corruption. (And we are sure he will given the kleig lights and cameras recording the event.)

Sadly, Illinois is once again reprising the Bill Murray role waking up day after day to another Illinois Governor who appears to be headed for the big house (Hint: It isn’t in Springfield or Washington.)

Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez called for a new phase in his Bolivarian Revolution today, calling on the revolution to extend to a new sector — escort services. “The President of the United States, better known as `The Devil’ and his illegitimate junta have extended their war of oppression to fight those who desire only to meet their most basic of human needs. The need in question here being a $80,000 prostitute,” President Chavez noted, to a screaming crowd, most of which will never see $80,000 in their entire lifetime. “It would take a psychiatrist to analyze the Bush regime’s motives in this regard,” noted Chavez. “They sic their attack dogs on anyone who might even think about opposing their wars of unbridled imperialist aggression,” oblivious of the fact that the Bush administration had nothing to do with Eliot Spitzer’s recent fall from grace.

“But the recent sins of the Bush junta have given me a chance to think and reflect on the future of Venezuela,” he continued. “I have never thought about the role of the escort industry in the Bolivarian Revolution, but now after Bush’s latest atrocities, I realize that the revolution must also be extended to this sector. To this end, I have recruited 10,000 Venezuelan escorts to provide the highest quality of services to those who feel a need and can pay in hard currency. To those in America who face a regime which deprives them of their basic freedoms in this regard, I say: Come. Come to Venezuela where you can be free of imperialist oppression. I personally invite Gov. Spitzer to join us. Besides, our girls are much better looking anyway.”

As President Chavez waved farewell to the cheering crowds, he made the following off-hand remark, “And just to show what a nice guy I am, I also invite President Uribe of Columbia to join the Boliverian Revolution in escort services. I think he needs to loosen up a bit.”

As astue readers have noticed, in addition to the usual weekend fare, we have a series of special posts today. Patience is apparently not our virtue, for a number of the authors have been badgering me to publish special “timely rants” immediately. Rather than trying to reason with my beloved co-authors, I’ve simply given in and allowed them to post their “special rants” throughout today. Let’s hope that they haven’t used up all their good ideas for the week to come!

For you, dear readers, it’s an unexpected bonus (at least if you like our rants). Our fondest hope that you appreciate today’s special addition—and that you’ll understand if tomorrow we’re back to a less hectic pace. Only time will tell whether this rush to publish is wise or foolish. Less is sometimes more, but perhaps more is sometimes more too! Scroll down, or check the latest post list on the right to enjoy—and check back frequently today!

Throughout the history of this blog, I’ve tried to defend the Bush Administration where I thought they were under unfair attack. I’ve even made light of the righteous purity and increidble heroism of the Democrats. Now, I feel only the deepest shame and guilt. I have been so wrong.

Recently, while trying to gather information for an upcoming rant, I came across a website purporting to give “the real truth” behind what happened on 9-11. Expecting the standard rehash of stupid conspiracy theories, I was utterly unprepared for what I found. Absolute, incontrovertible proof that Karl Rove is personally responsible for every evil act committed by Americans. Yes, personally responsible. For. Every. Single. One.

It’s incredible, I know, but it’s true. The website is long gone, of course. The rumor is that Karl Rove personally execute the webmaster in a special ceremony for the Skull and Bones central committee. In a past life I would have laughed at that, but now I know it’s all too likely. Fortunately, I had cached the pages and will now, at great personal risk, reprint the key images below, so that you can know the truth that I know: Karl Rove is not merely one evil Republican among many, but the singular source of American evil in this age—and every age.

Karl Rove present as Indians are given smallpox-laden blankets.
Bad, Rove, bad!!!

Karl Rove present at “negotiations” with Indians, in which they gave away their land to white invaders.
Oh, Rove, no!!!

Karl Rove present at the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the one true Republican and secular messiah of Illinois.
Damn it, Rove, he’s a Republican!

Karl Rove watches as Jack Ruby eliminates Osward.
Rove, stop, just stop!

Karl Rove advises Reagan on how to survive the Iran-Contra crisis.Whew, this one isn’t too bad…

Karl Rove, Sen. Kerry and Sen. Harkin pledge their support to Nicaraguan dictator Manuel Ortega. (Rove played both sides in the Iran-Contra deal to ensure maximum casualties on all sides.)
Oh, no, Rove, not the Commies!

Karl Rove and American Ambassador Glaspie urge Saddam Hussein to invade Kuwait.
Saddam was right, you did trick him!  Darn you Rove!!!

And, by far, the worst:

Karl Rove meets with Osama bin Ladin to coordinate the 9-11 attacks.
What, no!  Not with Osama.  That’s it, Rove, we’re done!!!

As you can clearly see, Karl Rove is hardly the mild mannered family man he claims to be. He isn’t even the evil Republican mastermind of spin and rigging elections the Democrats claim him to be. No, he’s the unique human manifestation of American evil, who lives in every age to bring misery and suffering to the world, American Style!

And I, Angry Overeducated Catholic can no longer take it. I can’t be party to this hideous evil. So I now pledge my faith to the stawalt defenders of truth, justice, and the American Way—the Democrats. Because protected by their clever masquerade of pork-barrel politics and foreign policy which assumes our enemies are sweetness and light, they are gathering forces to oppose the true evil of our times: Karl Rove.