Hola amigos! Angry New Mexican here to talk a bit about the Land of Enchantment, and our neighbors. You see, New Mexico, the land of chile (red or green) and piñon, is a unique place. Granted, we have our problems, like crappy schools, the proliferation of pueblo casinos, and the influx of hippies in Taos and Santa Fe who drive up prices for the honest Joses like me, but overall New Mexico is a great place… except for the neighbors. Que? Let me explain.
First we have Arizona, which is like the dirty old man next door who spends his time staring sketchily out the window and muttering to himself. Like any good little kids, we just avoid him. Arizona is populated almost exclusively by retired Anglos who somehow thought that Phoenix would be paradise. And they’ve diverted enough water from the Colorado River to make their very own garden of Eden in the desert. What about Nuevo Mexico, you might say? Isn’t it a desert too? Si, compadres, but the high desert of New Mexico can actually grow things, like green chile (the non-Anglos in the audience are nodding their heads in agreement, I can tell), while plants would naturally waste away in the fiery hell-hole which is Phoenix. Besides having poor taste in places to settle, the geriatric Arizonans have a tendency to elect politicians who compulsively avoid Latinos who aren’t busy landscaping their freakishly lush yards. Barring the honorable Senior McCain, who (oddly among Arizona politicians) sees Latinos as human beings, many politicians in Arizona are fighting Don Quixote-esque battles against the illegal immigrant boogyman (he’ll deal drugs to your children and seduce your wife; the horror!). Folks like Russell Pearce and JD Hayworth seem to think that nothing screams “America” like oppressing Latinos (evidently it now surpasses both mom and apple pie). With my muchachos y muchachas in mind, I won’t say exactly what I think of these individuals, but rest assured, when they’re hitting up the geritol we’ll still be alive and voting, thank you very much.
Now we have Colorado, who I’d liken to the nice family next door who has a penchant for lavish ski vacations. Lucky for us we’re almost always invited along. Skiing in New Mexico is alright, but it’s worth the drive to Copper, Vail or Snowbird to get the real deal. I only wish that the Coloradans would stop diverting so much water from the Rio Grande (you see, the neighbor is a heavy drinker), which is decidedly not grande, if you know what I mean. Gazing at that sickly little stream which runs through the Land of Enchantment, I wonder, what did it once look like which earned it the name Rio Grande? Perhaps one day we might again know, but Colorado needs to lay off the water for us to find out.
And now we have Texas. Texas is like the neighbor who’s always sitting on his porch, cleaning his gun, minding everyone else’s business. By virtue of having the biggest house on the block, he’s cocky, obnoxious and self-righteous. If there’s a neighbor we’d want our neighborhood association to kick out, it’d be Texas. But thankfully, no matter how much he’s always talking about his gun, he’s not really good at using it. Perhaps he needs more gun control…
Exhibit #1 is the Battle of the Alamo, where the bravest Texans (and their heroic allies) needlessly wasted their lives to accomplish absolutely nothing. I’m sure that Santa Anna was laughing his head off when he found out just who his troops killed there. Heck, the swollen rivers slowed Santa Anna down more than the fools at the Alamo.
Exhibit #2: In addition to being a state full of traitors, they had the cajones to attempt to invade New Mexico. After marching through Los Cruces and bypassing Fort Craig (leaving an American army blocking the traitors’ supply lines), confederate forces took the (almost abandoned) Duke City and pushed up the Santa Fe Trail towards Fort Union. Confronted by American forces under the command of Col. Slough (1st Colorado Volunteers) the confederates fought a pitched battle in Glorietta Pass. Meanwhile, Maj. Chivington (1st Colorado) and New Mexico’s own Lt. Chaves ambushed and captured the entire confederate supply train. Without supplies and cut off from Texas by Maj. Canby (Commander, Dept. of New Mexico) at Fort Craig, the Texans beat a hasty retreat back to their home stomping grounds. The Texans would never again threaten New Mexico.
Well, that’s the neighborhood here in the Southwest… a dirty old man, the nice family next door with a bit of a drinking problem and the gun nut who can’t shoot straight. It’s a wacky place to live, but where else can I get Sopaipillas like this, hombre? It’s home and nobody’s going to take the Land of Enchantment from me. Except maybe the aliens if they show up at Roswell again…
August 10, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Terrific post. But why are the neighbors all guys? Considering how much longer women outlive men, I’d think that Arizona might possibly be a transplanted red/white/and blue-haired widow golfing on her military pension. What do I know? I didn’t even know the Civil War got this far west.
August 10, 2007 at 4:17 pm
“Curb thy tongue nave!” As a Texan by birth with my Father’s parents being early settlers of New Mexico, (my great-great grand parents; my great great grandmother all early settlers of Berlen and my father beiong raised there; my grand mother living most of her life in T or C and buried there, I think you best wake up to the FACT that Texan dollars keep New Mexico afloat not only in tourism but in property taxes in Red River, Angel Fire resorts but in Santa Fe and Taos. Those dollars dry up because of uninformed people like you would destroy the New Mexico economy. Ask the State Tourism Dept.
Dick Gaither-Amarillo, Texas and 5th generation New Mexican
August 10, 2007 at 4:18 pm
“Curb thy tongue nave!” As a Texan by birth with my Father’s parents being early settlers of New Mexico, (my great-great grand parents; my great great grandmother all early settlers of Berlen and my father being raised there; my grand mother living most of her life in T or C and buried there, I think you best wake up to the FACT that Texan dollars keep New Mexico afloat not only in tourism but in property taxes in Red River, Angel Fire resorts but in Santa Fe and Taos. Those dollars dry up because of uninformed people like you would destroy the New Mexico economy. Ask the State Tourism Dept.
Dick Gaither-Amarillo, Texas and 5th generation New Mexican
August 10, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Was it worth saying that twice?
August 12, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Wow! What an inciteful post! I really liked the caricature of Texas, the guy sitting on his porch cleaning his gun…
August 12, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Dick,
I now present Exhibit #3: this.
The prosecution rests, your Honor.
August 15, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Some random comments:
-The Battle of Glorietta Pass is, of course, obliquely immortalized in the movie The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, starring Clint Eastwood, Lee van Cleef, and Eli Wallach.
-You forgot your southern neighbor!
August 16, 2007 at 8:21 am
I figure that Mexico deserves its own entry… probably something immigration related 🙂
August 23, 2007 at 12:34 pm
You have provided all the more motivation for people (myself included) to visit the Land of Enchantment.
Now, if only I could find a certain Angry New Mexican to be a tour guide….. but that’s like finding a needle in a haystack if you don’t know where to look.
August 31, 2007 at 9:28 am
Berlen? I grew up in Belen and have lived in Hobbs, T or C, and Moriarty. And have relatives in Texas I love dearly who could never understand why my heart was always in NM.
I’ll be heading back that way shortly for good.
September 4, 2007 at 8:33 pm
Angry Illini Husker: Any time, amigo!
Tomas: Welcome home, brother.
October 2, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Right on, cathaton. Me gusta tu posta.
February 17, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Mi Amigo a la Sur,
While your reference to our “drinking problem” is a cute metaphor, remember that we’re drinking our own water before we kindly share with others. The Colorado and the Rio Grande, among other “rios,” may have Spanish names, but the sources and headwaters of both are in our back yard, and if things get dry we could easily keep much more for our own thirst or dam it all. Be careful with your clumbsy analogies or we just might. Stop whining about water you’re lucky to have at all and drill a well of your own, amigo.
And my Texas girlfriend says to lay off the Alamo, lest it be more seriously ‘remembered.’
Oh, and how’s that Trinity site coming? Get that cleaned up, yet? Thanks for allowing us to radiate your yard while playing with our bombs.
May 19, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Are you the same Dick Gaither that worked at KNXT channel 2?
If so, please e mail me. frank_raciti@yahoo.com
December 13, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I live in NM but am from Colorado and I agree with Jim C. and New Mexicans could take better care of their water, I dont know how many times Ive been in some of the small towns and seen people driving through their waterways, leaving all kinds of trash around lakes and rivers, its disgusting and pathetic that the people who live in such a beautiful state take such miserable care of it.
November 9, 2011 at 9:59 am
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December 14, 2013 at 12:48 am
you missed the most important Exhiit…..In 1841, the President of the new Republic of texas sent 270 texas troops up the Pecos River to lay claim to New Mexico. When they reached settlements near modern Roswell claiming to be traders coming up the Santa Fe Trail (thinking they were a bunch of dumb Mexicans naive enough to believe this story), the suspicious New Mexicans sent messengers to Santa Fe, where Governor Armijo sent troops to intercept these invaders. The invaders were intercepted, taken to Santa Fe and arrested and marched on foot to Chihuahua Mexico to be imprisoned. Many escaped and took word back to texas that these dumb Mexicans did not want to be part of their new Republic. The texas representatives to the US took bogus maps to Washington making claims to New Mexico territory that could not be supported.
This is the true history the American History books don’t want to publish.
July 28, 2015 at 7:02 pm
Fools at the Alamo? Brutally murdered? No prisoners? Santa Anna laughing? Rude and ignorant blogger?