It was a longstanding tradition among the “right” kind of liberal to declare “I’m going to move to Canada if wins.” There would be a long, dark teatime of the soul after Election Day and by March or so, while all wouldn’t be forgotten or even forgiven, life went on. Bumper stickers saying “[insert Republican president] [insert nasty action] [insert general noun] [insert verb]” would be affixed to rear bumpers of Volvos and Priuses. Organic, non-toxic, fair trade seitan mock turkey burgers would be purchased from Whole Foods to be consumed with a nice chardonnay from Trader Joe’s. Cruelty-free “world” flags would be unfurled at coffee shops staffed by tattooed and pierced straight edges and paranoid potheads. Unvaccinated children would be taken—wrapped carefully in helmets, knee pads, and other approved safety gear, all manufactured from sustainable organic quinoa plastic after being thoroughly washed in hypoallergenic soap made from Italian extra-virgin olive oil, of course—to non-sectarian private schools and then picked up by slightly balding sensitive new age pony tail guy fathers in the aforementioned Volvos and Priuses to go to mbira lessons or read Heather Has Two Mommies at a play date over at Adam and Steve’s condo to play with Bryce.

Indeed, life went on, and while it could have been better without “That Jackass in the White House” in the White House, it was OK enough.

Well turnabout is fair play. I’m quite sure that, now that McCain/Palin (or was that Palin/McCain?) are exiting stage right, there are a number of right-thinking people in brain lock.

How could this happen?

How?

How, my Lord, HOW could you have forsaken me?

I know, I’m going to take my bat and go home!!!! It’s time to move! That’s it, move! Move to where I’m wanted for who I am! A red-blooded AMERICAN! and my countrymen have let me and themselves down.

Time to move to…?

The problem, of course, is, where exactly are a bunch of disgruntled conservatives (or what passes for conservative these days) going to move? For people who are American ultra-nationalists, it’s damnably hard to think of a place.

Saudi Arabia? Well for social conservatism it’s hard to top, but it’s got this leeeetle bitty M-word problem…. Iran is even worse, being full of Chicken Shi’ites.

Germany? Nope, krauts are more interested in techno, cola-beer mixtures, scheisse movies, and the Green Party these days than in oompah bands and world conquest.

China? Post-Mao China is nationalistic and it’s certainly capitalistic, but it’s full of them damn slanty-eyed furriners. Can’t trust ’em!

Denmark? Nice going on giving the old one-fingered salute to them Muslims but, but… it’s got a few too many wind farms and the Volvo factory is just too close for comfort.

Russia? It lives on oil and gas, baby! It’s led by a real man all right, one who shoots tigers, one who kicks ass as a judo champion, who got his starts as a spy, one who makes Cheney sit up and go “Man, YOU are the MAN!” One who’s brought back the power of the Lord in the very House of Godlessness and Communism. And you don’t see Vladimir Putin having elections turn out wrong for him, oh no. But, but, it’s… Russia. Ick. No. Maybe in fifty years.

I know! The next best thing! The place Vladimir Putin flies over to get to America, land of the socialist oppressed, she who has spurned the one true way!

Alaska!

The Last Frontier, home of the Alaska Independence Party, and their beloved messiah… Sarah Palin (and the First Dude, too).

Awesome!!!! They can all move north to Alaska, the Socialist Frontier! Where real men shoot real critters like moose or caribou or wolves or whatever they damn well please with their real women by their sides and if they’re really lucky their real women shoot too. Where hockey is played. Where real industrial swill beer is consumed by men named Joe, plumber or not. Where all stations play country and none of that wuss-ass Dixie Chicks stuff, no, but Toby Keith, Lee Greenwood and Hank Williams, Jr.! Where everyone is in the army, or if they’re not, I want to know why! Where there are NO soybeans and everybody knows you’re supposed to HATE seitan with ALL your heart because

SEITAN is the ENEMY of the LORD!

Maybe they’ll even have more follow-through than the liberals of the past.

It would be hard not to, though somehow I doubt it.

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“No other act can project simultaneous hints that he is in the act of playing Commodore of the Yacht Club, Joseph Goebbels, Robert Mitchum, Maverick, Savonarola, the nice prep school kid next door, and the snows of yesteryear,”

Norman Mailer on William F. Buckley, Jr.
 

One of the things about growing older is that, one by one, all the iconic figures of your childhood and early adult life die off. Over the years, you watch them parade by on the television, and slowly come to realize that a whole generation of people whose existence you just took for granted is passing away.

Today, William F. Buckley, Jr.—patriarch of the American conservative movement, perennial pundit, and (almost self-parodying) icon of erudition—died at home. He died, at 82, as he would have wanted—quite possibly writing a final witty column for publication. Author of 45 books spanning the literary spectrum and countless articles and speeches, he was found in his study, slumped at his desk. He died, it would seem, as he lived: fighting the conservative fight in the public arena with, we can presume, wit, poise, and civility.

Next to his (in)famous erudition, it was perhaps his civility that most stands out today. In the present partisan climate, replete with vicious personal attacks, rage-fueled diatribes, and emotional ‘arguments’ on each side of the aisle, Bill Buckley stood aloof, refusing to abandon reason for passion. As others flung handfuls of mud, hoping some might stick out of the sheer volume, he refused to be hurried, and fired his own measured shots at his own pace.

Buckley’s greatest gift was his infectious love of life and political discourse, which led many of his rivals and critics to nonetheless enjoy his company. He was a sort of political scamp, impishly speaking his mind and sparking controversy. Just when you’d think you’d figured him out, suddenly he’d issue a statement, perfectly consistent, but utterly different from your assumptions. A moral conservative who proposed legalizing drugs; a former supporter of segregation who freed the conservative mainstream of the John Birchers and Randian Objectivists; a staunchly conservative pundit who enjoyed the company of many on the left: Bill Buckley was frequently an iconoclastic icon.

Perhaps his self-deprecating wit is best exhibited, as the New York Times obituary remarks, by a line Buckley wrote for a KGB official in “Who’s on First:”

Do you ever read the National Review, Jozsef? It is edited by this young bourgeois fanatic.

All jests aside, William F. Buckley, Jr. was the very opposite of a fanatic. Where fanatics are notoriously humorless about their cause, he was all infectious wit and merriment. Where fanatics eschew the company of those who refuse to see the light, he reveled in it. And where fanatics make it clear by every action that human life is subordinate to the holy cause, Bill Buckley made it clear by his every action that the conservative cause exists to serve human life. To him one did not live to be conservative, one was conservative in order to live to the fullest. As if orchestrating a life-long jest this “hammer of the secular humanists” was a vigorous and life-long champion of real humanism.

In paradisum deducant te Angeli;
in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres,
et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem.

Chorus angelorum te suscipiat,
et cum Lazaro quondam paupere
aeternam habeas requiem.

Resquiat in pace, Bill!

Today is Super Tuesday, where almost half of the delegates of both parties are up for grabs. But who will win? Can Hillary stop the Obama Man Train? Will Ann Coulter’s anti-endorsement actually hurt John McCain? Courtesy of our patented Angry Crystal Ball technology, the 12 Angry Men offer their predictions of who’s going to come out on top.

If we get off our angry behinds, we might actually update this during the day. Or not.

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Angry New Mexican
On the Republican side of the aisle, I expect to see some fairly solid support for McCain in most of the bluer states — New York, California and New Jersey, for instance. Romney picks up most of the redder states, discounting a Huckabee victory in Arkansas, plus perhaps a surprise in Missouri, Alabama or Tennessee. Overall, I see McCain picking up a (slim) majority of the 1,081 Republican delegates chosen on Super Tuesday. This will probably be enough to off Huckabee for good, but not enough to quash Romney. Ron Paul will get no delegates, which will of course, providing tin-foil hat whining from his partisans on slashdot.

On the Democratic side of things, expect to see Hillary take a majority in all of the big states save Illinois and Georgia. Obama does very well in the smaller, more liberal states like Connecticut. States with large Hispanic populations (New Mexico, Arizona) go heavily for Hillary. Overall, Hillary comes out on top by about 5% or so in the polls and a tighter margin among the 2,075 Democratic delegates. Obama will be able to keep up his campaign for a bit longer, perhaps even until the convention.

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Angry Overeducated Catholic
On the Republican side, I agree with ANM in general terms, but with some important caveats. California remains too close to call, with McCain and Romney trading the top spot constantly. I’m going to call it for McCain but I would not be surprised at all to see Romney take it (esp. with the immigration issue looming large). New York, of course, is a no brainer: on it’s most conservative day it’s slightly to the left of Castro—so McCain there for sure. Jersey, ditto, it’s New York with more mobsters and toxic waste dumps. And Illinois, which might still be glancing nervously towards Nauvoo. Romney, meanwhile, carries his own state of Taxacusettes, Utah (duh), Nevada (still duh), and some of the other western states. But he loses the South to McCain(!) and maybe Huckabee in one or two places. I just don’t see Romney able to overcome both Huckabee and his open Mormonism to take the more conservative voters in the South. Overall, I think there’s a real solid possibility that Super Tuesday to cement McCain as the clear choice, put the final nail in Huckabee’s coffin, and persuade Romney to bow out as well for the sake of party unity. Ron Paul, of course, will soldier on, no matter what, as will his followers, but who cares.

The Democratic side strikes me as even more interesting. Despite ANM’s clear Billary boosterism, Obama is a real contender in Califronia, as well as in Illinois and Georgia. None of those are winner-take-all states, though, and Hillary has a lot of support across New England and through the Mid-Atlantic states. Obama may take several states in the Midwest and Deep South, but it’s by no means certain. My gut tells me that there won’t be a clear leader after Super Tuesday, but Obama will be in trouble if he doesn’t come out with either a majority or a close minority of the votes. Given the number of superdelegates leaning towards Hillary in the Democrat’s corrupt nominating system, Obama has an uphill fight unless he can show clear momentum today. Still, unlike the GOP side, I see little chance for a decided race tomorrow, which will doubtless make Hillary even more shrill and uncompromising towards “uppity” Obama. Worse, the Clintons will be smelling blood and enraged by Barack’s lack of meek obedience: so look for the last remnants of restraint to fade after today, as the Clinton smear machine shows Barack what a dirty campaign really looks like.

Angry Political Optimist
Frankly, I am sick of the political coverage of this dragged out election season. It even makes the Brittany Spears/Natalie Holloway/Paris Hilton celebrity coverage look attractive. Gag! (I can’t believe I said that.) I suspect that there are a lot of people who feel like me and will express their displeasure at the voting booth by voting for Ron Paul or Mickey Mouse. Expect to see an uptick in low percentage candidates.

So deep is the hate-juice among some conservatives for John McCain that they favor an opponent over the possible (likely?—in this crazy campaign, I’m not going to say that) nominee of their own party. Jimmie Dobson has been rumbling again, for instance, and Limbaugh has been working himself into a faux-frothing-at-the-mouth fury. This more or less reminds me of the hard-core Green Party Nader voters of 2000. It’s a long standing theme in American politics going back decades when a party splits into its component factions. But nothing tops this little gem:

Of course, it’s been making the rounds and chances are good you’ve seen it already, though if you haven’t, watching Colmes’ reaction to Ann is damn funny. No, if there’s anything new to this, it’s Ann’s little line on John McCain “he has led the fight against torture at Guantanamo” about a minute in. Has “torture” been turned into a one-word talking point? WTF?

Mind-twisting quasi-logic of the John Yoo variety I understand (he is a law professor after all), but Ann goes out of her way to correct Hannity when he uses the term “interrogations”. Props for being honest, I guess, but… whoa. Chuck Norris in the movies might do that, but I’m not sure where the Chuckster stands on it in real life, and Chuck does know the difference, though evidently some conservative commentators don’t understand that ’24’ is a TV show. (Anyone know?)

Discuss!

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ObFascism Tag: Can’t you just see Ann as one of Josef Goebbels’ girlfriends in a different life?

On January 22nd, 1973, the Supreme Court of the United States handed down their decision in the case of Roe vs. Wade. Thirty-five years later, we’re down to about 1.2 million abortions in the US per year (down from 1.5 million at the high point) and abortion is legal in all 50 states for almost any reason. This leaves me with but one conclusion: the pro-life movement has been a complete and utter failure.

After 35 years of voting for “pro-life” candidates (a code word often meaning “Republican”), the political arm of the pro-life movement has little to show for their efforts beside parental notification laws in 34 states and a partial birth abortion ban that Justice Kennedy practically begged someone to challenge. All, in all, the pro-life movement has had marginally more success than American Medical Marijuana Association despite the “support” over the years of many prominent politicians. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me for 35 years running, and I’m a pro-life activist.

To the credit of the pro-life movement, more and more people are realizing that doing the same thing over and over again will not yield different results. Germain Grisez admitted as much a few years back, but he never had the audience to make enough of a difference. On January 20th, in a move guaranteed to generate a firestorm of letters from irate EWTN fans, Fr. Benedict Groeschel invited a man to his show by the name of Msgr. Phillip Reilly, who was willing to speak the truth and unmask the pro-life movement’s work for what it is: a failure. Msgr. Reilly realized this a few years back and decided to try a radically different approach: no more shouting and yelling, no more making young mothers feel like they were evil incarnate because they were contemplating abortion. Msgr. Reilly founded the Helpers of God’s Precious Infants. The weapons he chose were not sound bites, placards or the ballot box, but rather prayer and love… for the baby, the doctor and most especially, the mother, regardless of what choice she made inside the clinic. The approach is not particularly new — prayer & sidewalk counseling has been around for a long time — but his willingness propose it as a model opposed to the traditional shout and vote approach was quite impressive.

Whether folks will listen to Msgr. Reilly or not is anyone’s guess. But perhaps come January 22nd, next year, there will be be a little less failure… and a little more hope thanks to Msgr. Reilly. There are a lot of moms out there who could use it.

On top of the wonders of the 12 Angry Men Blog, we have our own special internal mailing list that occasionally produces amusing gems. Every so often, you know, when the stars are right (Cthulu ftahgn!), we choose to share these dialogues with you, our loyal readers.

Angry Overeducated Catholic
What I always wonder about is why these secret cabals have such bizarre goals. Exterminate 99% of humanity in a nuclear holocaust. Brutally enslave 99% of the world. Ruthlessly (but secretly) hold power in all nations of the world through shadowy college fraternities.

I mean, in every case either just plain crazy (nuclear war) or, really, far too much work for any sane person to want to do (everything else).

I too believe there are international conspiracies of bankers, financiers, secret society members, etc. I am confident that groups like the Trilateral Commission, the Rothchilds, the Bilderberg Group, and the Skull and Bones all exist, all have actual members and actual meetings, and have an actual agenda. And here is their deep, dark, secret, terrible agenda: ensure we all get/stay rich, keep meeting in awesome exclusive locations, and keep up a steady supply of good booze, good food, and pretty girls.

Now that’s an agenda I can see a rich, powerful, sneaky bastard actually embracing as worthwhile…

After all, everyone conspires, and for pretty much the same things. Rich people just do it more effectively…

Angry Immigrant
So how about groups that avoid that agenda by their very charter — like Opus Dei? They’ve got to be all about the aliens and total world dominance…

Angry Midwesterner
Well according to a South Park episode I saw, I’d imagine they are after good booze, good food, and pretty boys…

Oops, sorry, I mixed them up with the Republicans…

Angry Overeducated Catholic
…though really this only applies to the Closet Gay wing of the Party, please. There’s also the large “Openly Interested in Pretty Girls” wing, but we try to keep things quiet because the CG wing really hates to be reminded about how much fun we’re having. Also, we don’t want them to know about our stash of good drugs and booze because then we’d have to share. Also, we don’t like to mingle with them because, well, they’re just really creepy, you know. (I mean, geesh, just look at Craig for crying-out-loud)!

Anyway, gotta go, need to arrange the strippers for the bash at Cheneys…

Angry Midwesterner
I’d think a stripper bash would kill Cheney. Besides, isn’t he more interested in watching people kill puppies?

Mildly Piqued Academician
Dude that’s why you take nitro pills. Bringing some candid shots of Larry Craig might work as well.

What happens in a secure undisclosed location STAYS in a secure undisclosed location.

Angry Overeducated Catholic
(Re: Dick Cheney watching people kill puppies)
No, that’s a vicious slander by his enemies. Cheney has no interest in watching people kill anything. He’s a player not a spectator…

And when he gets the urge, it’s not animals he sets his sights on…

Angry Midwesterner
What now you’re going to claim lawyers are humans?

Angry Overeducated Catholic
No, but bloodsucking monsters aren’t animals, the last time I checked…

Angry Virginian
And if bloodsucking monsters don’t even qualify as animals, then lawyers definitely don’t.

Mildly Piqued Academician
LINK: Che-ney t-shirts

Angry Overeducated Catholic
Heh, heh, heh…

If I were Cheney I’d totally buy one of these shirts to wear around the house…

Mildly Piqued Academician
You could look snazzy doing a “Cheney speedball”: Alternating between strippers and pictures of Larry Craig and Barney Frank, the first as a substitute for uppers and the second as a stunningly good substitute for downers. 🙂

The Che-ney thong is pretty good. I was disappointed that my homie Radical Jack didn’t have a Che thong, but I’m sure that if I looked hard enough, one could be found.

Angry Overeducated Catholic
Heh. With a Che thong you could express your trendy leftist contempt for capitalism, your trendy conformity to fashion trends, and your trendy objectification of women—at the same time! A bargain for you!

Mildly Piqued Academician
*Three* birds with one stone!

If that’s not worthy of a “Mao More Than Ever” slogan, I don’t know what is! Time to make a revolutionary poster!

The taste of succulent albacore with a hint of wasabi and soy sauce… Eel perfectly laid out over rice… A tasty roll of crab, expertly wrapped in fresh seaweed. For many, sushi is a tasty way to break free from the tyranny of bland, generic American cuisine. But wait just a minute Ms. Sashimi! Before you have another bite, realize this: When you dine on sushi, you dine with the Reverend Moon!

That’s right, that tasty bit of fish puts you in league with the Unification Church, and it’s leader the enigmatic Rev. Sun Myung Moon. But what do you mean, Angry New Mexican? I don’t believe in mass weddings, the insufficiency of Christ’s sacrifice courtesy of John the Baptist’s failings or a literal kingdom of God on earth. I mean, I don’t even read the Washington Times, a redoubt of the Moonies since its founding. How can I possibly be in league with the Moonies?

My dear sushi-eating readers, you are in league with Rev. Moon, and I’m about to explain why. To start off with, none of this is “new.” The Chicago Tribune and the East Bay Express pointed this out several years ago. But time and time again, I’ve found the American people woefully unaware of their role in the New World Order [Moonie Edition]. You see, Rev. Moon’s route to your California roll was revealed to the world in 1980 with his speech the Way of Tuna. In it Rev. Moon outlines his plan to build the Kingdom of Heaven on earth starting first with the oceans, hence the Way of Tuna. The means is simple — build a Korean chaebol, of the likes of Samsung or Hyundai (whose yes-men seem to alternate control of South Korea’s government), but build this chaebol in fish. The building of ships, fishing and distribution network in the US and Korea will all exist in one big happy (Moonie) family, under the guise True World Foods.

Rev. Moon started assembling his empire in the late 70’s, buying key companies and slowly taking over the town of Gloucester, MA. The Moonie fisherman have since also moved into Bayou La Batre, AL and Kodiak, AK. Gloucester does much of the processing and their 22 distribution centers are located in places like Elizabeth, NJ and Elk Grove Village, IL. According to The Trib, TWF brings in $250 million dollars a year in revenues. While not a monopoly, TWF does have a substantial market share, and taking direction from Rev. Moon, has played a key role in the sushi explosion in the US in the last 30 years. On the TWF site, I found a choice quote, I felt our readers would enjoy:

“What we believe makes True World Foods LLC unique in the marketplace is our corporate culture. Its underlying principles are that we look to live our lives for the sake of others, believe in the philosophy of oneness and instill the idea of teamwork to all our employees.”

Oneness indeed… how wonderfully Moonie. So before you have that next yummy California roll, just remember: The Reverend Moon thanks you for your investment.

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Aside: You may notice the “Hates America” tag. I have decided, following the Mildly Piqued Academician (in homage to Angry Midwesterner), to tag all my rants with “Hates America” from here on out. I give it a fig leaf of justification by noting that readers of the Washington Times are part of the Grand Neoconservative Conspiracy (TM), and therefore must hate America.