Occasionally on The 12 Angry Men, we will post rants from invited guests. In lieu of our normally scheduled segment, today we feature an invited rant, from an Angry Guest Woman. You may remember our current guest from her previous appearance when she ranted about poor service, and tipping, and her second appearance where she discussed the traffic situation in Hampton Roads.
– The Staff of The 12 Angry Men

I’m a huge fan of good comedy. And, as everyone knows, the funniest comedy is delivered with some element of seriousness: a deadpan voice, a serious look, something that doesn’t say “I’m just asking for a laugh.” Well, today I saw the funniest movie ever: Fatal Error. It is especially funny because it was mis-classified as a drama/suspense film and, in that genre, it flopped miserably. But now I ask all of you to forget about this “suspension of disbelief” notion and actually attempt to believe this movie as you watch it. You’ll fall out of your chair laughing! It’s the most unintentionally funny movie ever! Here’s a plot summary. (Warning: Spoilers below but don’t let that discourage you — this movie is funnier every time you watch it!)

Fatal Error centers around the activity of a computer virus which is supposed to be especially powerful because it is descended from “the original computer virus” (which would be what exactly?) Without any AI subroutines, it somehow manages to feel threatened by humans who attempt to turn off machines running it (because, of course, viruses can see people reaching for the power switch) and it sends out signals which tell the person’s body to turn into dust. They had to get a blind hacker to find it because he can’t see the video waves the virus uses to attack its victims. The techno-babble in this movie is so ridiculous if you know anything about biology or computer science you won’t be able to stop laughing! And somehow the Army virus unit spends all of the movie trying to stop a major corporation from using the virus because, of course, the Army would never be interested in a clean weapon that kills large numbers of people by simply sending out video waves but a TV sales company would be interested in distributing the virus in the television sets it sells and killing off its customer base. And, of course, television sets have the computing capabilities of your average supercomputer, thus providing the virus with a place to mutate and adapt.

A suspended doctor, who we know is good because he worked in a place called “Africa” once, spends the movie chasing down the virus with an Army virus unit investigator woman. The evil genius who invented the virus is almost thwarted by the Army virus investigator woman but he catches her and straps her into a chair in front of a TV so she can’t move her head away. This deadly plot is made even more menacing by showing the evil genius kill another agent the same way in the same chair just moments before. But then the Army virus investigator makes the amazing discovery that the virus’ deadly video waves can be thwarted by… closing your eyes! And since the evil genius who invented a human-hunting computer virus forgot to tape her eyelids open when he strapped her head in place, she escapes the virus and lives to team up with the doctor to surprise the evil genius at the TV control center. The two of them manage to avoid being scanned by security by picking up a mic, camera, and jacket from an open, unlocked car left unattended by a local TV news station. Gosh the security at this place is good!

Guess how the movie ends? Guess! The evil genius who invented the virus accidentally knocks over the water cooler in the supercomputer control room. Because every supercomputer control room has a tipsy water cooler in the middle with the supercomputer built in a circle around it. Yeah.

And somehow this also simultaneously kills all of the instances of the virus saved in everyone’s TV sets around the world. Now the world is saved! Woo hoo!

If you’re ever in the mood for really stupid-funny and you don’t mind your sides hurting the next day, rent this movie.

– Angry East Coast Guest Woman