I never thought I’d offer thanks to the UN for a job well done, but at long last they’ve finally come through. The shiny new, reformed and revitalized Human Rights Council of the United Nations has greatly simplified my life. Once upon a time, when my friends and associates asked me why I despised the UN so completely, I had to point to a real hodge-podge of stupidity, incompetence, and corruption. Frequent drug sales in the UN parking garage here, regular sex slavery of starving children by UN peacekeepers there, easy enough to find—but tedious to gather together.

But those days are past. Now I can simply point to the Human Rights Council: a council created to replace a discredited commission manned and chaired by human rights violators; a council whose members are elected by world regions; a council which has sworn to redeem the past through its hard-headed and direct assault on human rights abuses; and, above all, a council run by human rights violators for human rights violators. The elected membership reads like a Who’s Who of human rights violators: Algeria, Belarus, China, Cuba, Indonesia, Pakistan, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Sri Lanka. In classic UN tradition, these are “balanced” by other, saner nations. But perhaps allowing some of the craftiest, cruelest foxes to guard the henhouse wasn’t the brightest notion.

Still, nobody can dispute the bold leadership showed by the Council. After a year of deliberation, and numerous sessions, special meetings, discussions, presentations, and all the rest, it has issued three thunderous decisions:

  • Cuba and Belarus are no longer a concern, and we can just stop sending people to find out about human rights abuses there.
  • Israel is very, very bad—far worse than all the rest of the offenders put together—and will be until the last dirty Jew, er, Israeli withdraws from the otherwise peaceful prosperous lands of Palestine.
  • Jews who dare to criticize the Council are very, very bad and should not be invited back. (Contrast this with acceptable speeches.)

Yup, that’s right. Of the 41 nations on the “watch list” for naughtiness, the great decision of the council was to remove two of them because they’re better now. I hope someone is able to sneak in and break the news to the journalists and professors jailed in Castro’s prisons, since I’m sure they’d love to hear the news.

And those wicked, wicked Israelis! It’s important to single them out for special attention because after all they are, well, Jews—and you know what they’re like. No matter that Israel doesn’t stand back as its fanatic settlers make raid after raid into Gaza every week (as Sudan does with its fanatic Janjaweeds). Irrelevant that Israel makes at least some effort to target individuals when it retaliates (unlike Russia which simply leveled Grozny and slaughtered its populace). Unimportant that Israel’s high court has required them to assist those fleeing the violence in Gaza (unlike China which ships those fleeing North Korea back to Pyongyang to face execution). None of that can obscure the fact that Israel is just far worse than anyone else because…well, just because.

Good to know that the UN Human Rights Council is on the case, making sure those nasty Jews don’t succeed at their mad, though oddly delayed and very slow, plans to annihilate the Palestinians! Even if it seems to be distracting the Council from the somewhat more rapid annihilations occurring in Sudan, Kashmir, and Sri Lanka. And good news on the reform of Belarus and Cuba: apparently Cuba’s membership on the council has led to an invisible (but obviously real and impressive) improvement in its human rights record. I can only expect that each year additional nations represented on the Council will experience the same oddly subtle (but apparent to the Council) rehabilitation.

Does anyone actually believe this tripe? Are even the mindless defenders of the United Nations this stupid? We’ve traded one worthless, dirty, despicable “human rights” body for another. In session after session, this Council has singled out Israel, while giving a complete pass to every other offender. I have no problem with pointing out the real abuses in Israel, or the US, or anywhere. But any report which argues that Israel is a worse offender than Cuba has lost all touch with reality.

But what do you expect from a Council that remains far, far too much a Council by murderers, for murderers, and of murderers? A Council that issues a “consensus” statement that at least one member never agreed to, and then votes to officially rule that that member did agree, over its objections? We can expect no more, I’m afraid, than we can ever expect from the United Nations: the world’s most exclusive club for repressive regimes, brutal dictators and bloody-handed tyrants.

On April 13, 2036, the asteroid aptly named Apophis may hit the Earth. Sure, the odds are low (around 1 in 45,000 it would seem), but obviously this would be, as they say, a “bad thing.”

So what to do about it? Well deflect it carefully of course. And, more importantly, who to do it? Why the UN, of course, the world body renowned for its forthrightness, efficiency, progressive thinking, and speed of action. I mean, it’s not like the UN would ever sit on its hands when faced with a crisis of world-shattering prospects. Certainly they wouldn’t dither around while millions of lives are on the line. And, naturally, petty concerns and rivalries won’t get in the way of speedily working to avert a major crisis. I mean, sure as the Earth is a giant cube, the UN is just the group to handle it.

Oh, wait, I’m sorry, that’s the Bizarro UN, from Bizzaro World. But sadly, just as technically, the bathroom of a bus station isn’t considered Bizarro World, technically the actual real-world UN isn’t actually good at doing anything. Except talking. And passing resolutions blaming Israel for all the world’s problems. They are good at that. So if we could convince them that it was a Jewish asteroid…

Hmm, perhaps they should have named it “Ariel Sharon” or “Golda Meir” or some other demon from the UN’s pantheon.

But sadly, as it is, I don’t think the UN’s quite the group for the job. Especially not a job that requires a 300 million dollar mission needing finesse, panache, and precision. Three traits that the UN does its best to eliminate from the hiring pool on any project it oversees. If we task the UN to do this, we can guarantee that when April 12, 2036 comes around, they will have convened another committee to review the results from the Second World Consortium on Stopping Asteriods Using Environmentally Safe Methods Not Offensive to Muslims Which Also, Simply Coincidentally, Shower Debris Over Jewish Areas of That Portion of Palestine Which A Couple Member Nations Call Israel (SAUESMNOMWASCSDOJATPPWCMNCI). Of course, since April 12, 2036 is a Saturday, they’ll have actually rescheduled the meeting for Monday, the 14th.

So, who does that leave. Well, NASA is out, of course. If they can’t even hit Mars more than one time in three, I don’t think we want them in charge of something actually important. And if NASA policy forbids employees from even communicating with a subcontractor enough to ensure that everyone’s using the same units, I don’t think we want them in charge of the Gravity Tractor. “What do mean you imparted 3000 m/s, we wanted 3000 ft/s?” No, this is a recipe for moving the asteroid from one part of Earth, which we can at least predict at some level, to some other part of the planet at random.

Really, who should you trust in a case like this? Everyone knows the actual answer. The US Air Force. Easy when you do the math. Okay, we want a group which:

  • ideally has experience conveying payloads to precise destinations far away (nukes, Cold War, USSR, tiny little silos, just one try)
  • considers 300 million dollars to be a reasonable amount to spend (real problem here is getting them to take 300 million seriously, I mean that’s like 1/6 of a B2 bomber)
  • isn’t terrified up front by the prospect of failure in a life or death situation (Hey, guys, can you build a system that launches nukes on a confirmed launch warning by the other guys and thus ends all life on Earth? No problem, Mr. President.)
  • doesn’t get cold feet at the last minute when death is on the line (arclight, rolling thunder, Operation Linebacker, the Road of Death—okay that last one, not so much, but only because higher ups put the kebosh on it)
  • can say “mistakes were made” with a straight face if everything goes horribly wrong (okay, not so good at this, but only because nothing goes wrong, by definition)

I think it’s pretty clear that the USAF are the guys for the job. Especially if we arrange a high-level briefing for the Air Force brass at the impact site on April 13, with the President teleconferencing (due to his busy schedule, naturally). Now, Pentagon procurement ain’t exactly swift or cheap, but we have nearly 30 years to spend that money, and if we invest the 300 million today at about 5% interest, we can afford the inevitable cost overruns sure to come. And remember, when that waste and corruption comes around, at least it’s going to patriotic American corporations, and not the UN. I mean, those corps may be greedy jerks, but at least they don’t consider child sex rings and drug sales to be the usual course of business…