Ron Paul, in a press conference today called for the complete encirclement of the Pentagon. “Clearly, the Pentagon, as a three dimensional representation of the pentagram, represents the most probable gateway to the demon realm from which Cthulu will return. Given the money that conservatives are willing to spend building walls against the surge of illegal immigrants, a better use would be to build permanent fortifications against the likely emergence of evil.”

Ron Paul went on to express grave concerns about the current Democratic hopefuls noting that recent blog posts on both Clinton’s and Obama’s behalf for the ‘Demonic Rectification of the Earth’ indicate that the Democratic party has been suborned by the forces of evil. “Anti-war positions espoused by both candidates clearly are an attempt to misdirect attention from the Pentagon where activities have increased in anticipation of their control of the White House.”

Asked about his proposals to bring the troops home immediately if elected, Congressman Paul stated “These troops could be better used to surround the Pentagon. As long as we maintain a closed circle, the inter-realm gateway cannot be opened.” Paul intends to use the troops to maintain a triple row of soldiers connected hand-to-hand to seal the gateway until a more permanent silver impregnated wall can be constructed.

The commodities market reacted swiftly bidding silver to an all-time high of $24.67 per troy ounce, up $8.00 over Monday’s close.

Despite the insane and mathematically challenged ramblings of some of my colleagues, Hillary Clinton is still losing, and badly. The end result of her marginal victories in Ohio, Texas, and some County which likes to think it is a state, on March 4th was a mere +6 net gain of delegates. Given that Obama was leading at the time by over 100 delegates, you’ll excuse me if I don’t see Hillary as a serious challenge to Obama’s lead. Add to that the fact that Obama won a +7 net gain of delegates in Wyoming and Mississippi, which not only erased her progress, but pushed her further under, and it is pretty clear that Hillary is getting into deeper and deeper delegate trouble.

Given Hillary’s continued failure to achieve any measure of real success in this primary, one cannot help but notice the extreme arrogance of her suggestion that Obama become her VP. Excuse me Hillary, but you are losing. You don’t get to offer the current front runner second place. Maybe expecting an ex-Republican state swapping hussy like Hillary to have some class is a bit too much to ask, but this kind of audacity manages to dive under even my low opinion of Hillary. It’s no wonder that black voters are turning from her in droves. She is basically asking Obama to move to the back of the Democratic bus.

This latest arrogant misstatement by Hillary just serves to further emphasize the fact that if the Democrats want a snowball’s chance in hell to win the 2008 election, they will need to give Obama the nomination. Hillary has shown us that she cares nothing for the will of the people, the democratic process, or even common decency. Top this off with the fact that she is despised and hated by a large portion of the body of Democratic voters, while McCain is actually pretty well liked by the same voters, and a Hillary vs. McCain match-up is a clear recipe for a Republican victory.

Angry New Mexican here! I’m back with the second in our series of candidate roundups. Since I have no need to be fair and balanced; I want to cover with the Republican “front runners” (a witty homage to political corruption?) before I start with the Democrats. Since I finished with the Actual Conservatives in my last post, now it’s time for the Liberals in Republican Clothing. Here we’ll deal with that fifth column within the Republican party dedicated to bringing the party to the Whore of Babylon itself: Liberalism.

Rudy Giuliani (Former Mayor, NYC) – If we wanted to choose a Republican candidate as close as possible to President Bush, it would have to be Rudy. Mr. Giuliani comes from the same pro-business, jackboot-friendly mold as the President. The big difference is that while Mr. Bush pays lip service to social conservatism (e.g. his morally backrupt position on stem cells), Mr. Giuliani doesn’t give a s#$@. So much for pleasing the religious right on social issues.

Mr. Giuliani’s key selling point are his fleeting moments of post-911 competence as America’s Mayor. He’s hoping that it will make up for his ascerbic personal habits. As former NYC mayor Ed Koch noted, Mr. Giuliani is nasty to everyone. Your columnist even saw a street vendor with the sign “Rudy Giuliani = Police State” in NYC during Mr. Giuliani’s tenure as Mayor. Now granted, such a propensity for jack-booted thuggery will go over quite well with certain portions of the Republican base, but Mr. Giuliani has some other problems. Like all of the the bruhaha over Mr. Giuliani’s mistress who’s now wife #3. Jackboot friendly? Perhaps. Family friendly? Definitely not.

Mitt Romney (Former Governor, MA) – Unlike the former Mayor of New York, who is unabashedly liberal in his social views, Mr. Romney has opted for trying to deceive the conservative faithful with his so-called conversion on social issues. Back in 1994, when Mr. Romney was preparing for the 18-point beating Ted “Chappaquiddick” Kennedy was to apply to him in the Senate race, he tried his darndest to gain the support of the seventh circle of hell itself: the gay activists. As the Boston Globe reported (10/17/94), Mr. Romney wrote the Log Cabin Republicans to say that he seeks “to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens” and that he “will provide more effective leadership than” Ted Kennedy. Uncle Ted, held as always, the most liberal position possible within the mainstream on this (and every) issue. But Mr. Romney wanted to out-gay Uncle Ted. Even as recently as 2002, Mr. Romney handed out pink flyers wishing gay activists a great pride weekend (props to Mass Resistance for finding this gem). But somehow, pretty in pink Mr. Romney had a conversion of convenience heart when it came to the presidency and is now anti-gay. And we’re supposed to believe his conversion on abortion and gun control as well. Is America ready for a Mormon president? Perhaps. But we’re not ready for Mr. Politically-Expedient-on-Moral-Issues to be president. After all, we’ve already rejected Al Gore.

John McCain (Senator, AZ) – Here we’ve got a man with conservative credentials… well except for the fact that he’s for embryonic stem cell research and against torturing foreigners. Real conservatives like Bill O’Reilly are totally pro-torture. After spending years in the Senate and his entire 2004 campaign antagonizing the entire Republican establishment, he’s pulled a genuine Slick Willy and totally flip-flopped. Now he’s turned to sticking his nose so far up Jerry Falwell’s rectum that it’s been rumored that he can tie his shoes through Falwell’s nose. Yes, that’s right, the Straight Talk Express is now the Political Weasel Direct. It’s a shame for Mr. McCain. As if the Keating Five scandal weren’t enough. Now he’s trying to regain the stature he lost among conservatives for violating all their shibboleths. But no matter what Jesus says about forgiveness, this man’s sins appear to be too much for the religious right to forgive..

UPDATE: Fixed links for Mass Resistance and News Hounds on O’Reilly and torture.

Angry New Mexican here with the first of a series of writeups on the ’08 presidential candidates. Sure, the election is a year and a half away, but it’s never to early to start the madness. There’s already a bunch of vacuous talking heads making the rounds in Iowa and New Hampshire. To start this off, I figured I’d comment on the few actual conservatives running for the Republican nomination and their chances (or total lack thereof) for winning it all. The recent pow-wow of Christian conservatives at a posh Florida resort (as reported on by The New York Times) illustrates their conundrum — the front runners in the race are anathema to True Believers(TM) in the conservative cause. Let’s face it, without Fred Thompson, who can save them? Since Mr. Thompson is still chalking up his campaign time on Law & Order, not the campaign trail, he’s out at the moment. So let’s see what sort of options our friends discussed down in the land of we-don’t-know-how-to-run-an-election :

Mike Huckabee (Former Governor, AK) – Huckabee’s the picture perfect New Southern Republican. He defeated the Clintonistas to become the second Republican since Reconstruction to govern the state (back then the Republicans liked black people). He’s even a honest to goodness Baptist Minister and former President of his state’s Baptist Convention. His website has the needlessly cute reference to President Eisenhower, using the title bar “I Like Mike.” He’s evidently a moderately talented bassist and his band has opened for the likes of Willie Nelson and Charlie Daniels.

So what’s not to like about Huckabee? Why have the social conservatives not anointed him with oil as their champion and sent him to fight the Democratic Philistines? You see, Mike Huckabee committed what may be the only unpardonable sin (hint: not blasphemy against the Holy Spirit). He raised taxes as the governor of Arkansas. You see this recent gathering of social conservatives of the Christian variety included the likes of Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Freedom. What anti-tax activists are doing at a gathering of social conservatives is a mystery to me, but evidently some good Christian folk feel that if a single copper coin was good enough for Jesus’ taxes, it’s good enough for us (cf. Mt 17:25-27). But worry not, Mr. Norquist feels that Huckabee could find “secondary [tax] virginity” and win his munificent blessing if he signs a commitment to avoid falling once again into the insidious clutches of Mammon by raising taxes. Um, yeah.

Duncan Hunter (House, CA) – Here’s your red blooded conservative champion. He sponsored the Secure Fence Act, you know the “Great Wall of Mexico,” which still he maintains as one of his key campaign issues. He supports amending the Constitution at least twice (right to life and strictly heterosexual marriage). But, it appears that Mr. Hunter has some problems with a little thing known as “ethics” (not a strong point for conservatives these days). His ties to Randy “Duke” Cunningham belie the squeeky clean looks he’s aiming for, and the voters have not been friendly as of late to scandal-tainted candidates.

Sam Brownback (Senator, KS) – Here’s the highest profile actual conservative. He’s got a network of notable social conservatives on his side, including Tom Monaghan. Tom, is it not enough to inflict your crappy pizza upon the world, must you also infect us with crappy politics? Anyway, Sam’s got solid socially conservative positions on all the hot button issues and he’s loud about Darfur. He’s even openly doubtful about Bush’s recent troop surge in Iraq. So what’s the problem? His poll numbers are single digits and there are serious doubts about his electability. In a recent GOP straw poll at the Conservative Political Action Conference he could only pull 15% of the vote … two percent behind the liberal Rudy Giuliani. That’s pretty bad odds for the conservative golden boy.

So that wrap’s up the first of the candidate roundup series: Conservatives stuck without good options and desperate to avoid having to choose either John “Soft-on-torture” McCain, Rudy “Yes, I had a mistress” Giuliani or Mitt “I’m more pro-gay than Ted Kennedy, no wait I flip-flopped” Romney. A bleeding heart might just go out to them. But they’re conservatives, so therefore it must be their own fault. Yay for personal responsibility!