It was a longstanding tradition among the “right” kind of liberal to declare “I’m going to move to Canada if wins.” There would be a long, dark teatime of the soul after Election Day and by March or so, while all wouldn’t be forgotten or even forgiven, life went on. Bumper stickers saying “[insert Republican president] [insert nasty action] [insert general noun] [insert verb]” would be affixed to rear bumpers of Volvos and Priuses. Organic, non-toxic, fair trade seitan mock turkey burgers would be purchased from Whole Foods to be consumed with a nice chardonnay from Trader Joe’s. Cruelty-free “world” flags would be unfurled at coffee shops staffed by tattooed and pierced straight edges and paranoid potheads. Unvaccinated children would be taken—wrapped carefully in helmets, knee pads, and other approved safety gear, all manufactured from sustainable organic quinoa plastic after being thoroughly washed in hypoallergenic soap made from Italian extra-virgin olive oil, of course—to non-sectarian private schools and then picked up by slightly balding sensitive new age pony tail guy fathers in the aforementioned Volvos and Priuses to go to mbira lessons or read Heather Has Two Mommies at a play date over at Adam and Steve’s condo to play with Bryce.

Indeed, life went on, and while it could have been better without “That Jackass in the White House” in the White House, it was OK enough.

Well turnabout is fair play. I’m quite sure that, now that McCain/Palin (or was that Palin/McCain?) are exiting stage right, there are a number of right-thinking people in brain lock.

How could this happen?

How?

How, my Lord, HOW could you have forsaken me?

I know, I’m going to take my bat and go home!!!! It’s time to move! That’s it, move! Move to where I’m wanted for who I am! A red-blooded AMERICAN! and my countrymen have let me and themselves down.

Time to move to…?

The problem, of course, is, where exactly are a bunch of disgruntled conservatives (or what passes for conservative these days) going to move? For people who are American ultra-nationalists, it’s damnably hard to think of a place.

Saudi Arabia? Well for social conservatism it’s hard to top, but it’s got this leeeetle bitty M-word problem…. Iran is even worse, being full of Chicken Shi’ites.

Germany? Nope, krauts are more interested in techno, cola-beer mixtures, scheisse movies, and the Green Party these days than in oompah bands and world conquest.

China? Post-Mao China is nationalistic and it’s certainly capitalistic, but it’s full of them damn slanty-eyed furriners. Can’t trust ’em!

Denmark? Nice going on giving the old one-fingered salute to them Muslims but, but… it’s got a few too many wind farms and the Volvo factory is just too close for comfort.

Russia? It lives on oil and gas, baby! It’s led by a real man all right, one who shoots tigers, one who kicks ass as a judo champion, who got his starts as a spy, one who makes Cheney sit up and go “Man, YOU are the MAN!” One who’s brought back the power of the Lord in the very House of Godlessness and Communism. And you don’t see Vladimir Putin having elections turn out wrong for him, oh no. But, but, it’s… Russia. Ick. No. Maybe in fifty years.

I know! The next best thing! The place Vladimir Putin flies over to get to America, land of the socialist oppressed, she who has spurned the one true way!

Alaska!

The Last Frontier, home of the Alaska Independence Party, and their beloved messiah… Sarah Palin (and the First Dude, too).

Awesome!!!! They can all move north to Alaska, the Socialist Frontier! Where real men shoot real critters like moose or caribou or wolves or whatever they damn well please with their real women by their sides and if they’re really lucky their real women shoot too. Where hockey is played. Where real industrial swill beer is consumed by men named Joe, plumber or not. Where all stations play country and none of that wuss-ass Dixie Chicks stuff, no, but Toby Keith, Lee Greenwood and Hank Williams, Jr.! Where everyone is in the army, or if they’re not, I want to know why! Where there are NO soybeans and everybody knows you’re supposed to HATE seitan with ALL your heart because

SEITAN is the ENEMY of the LORD!

Maybe they’ll even have more follow-through than the liberals of the past.

It would be hard not to, though somehow I doubt it.

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