I hate hippies. They smell bad, they disregard the laws of this nation, support terrorism, are lazy, and are a general nuisance. Hippies should be treated like Kudzu, they shouldn’t be allowed in most states, and where ever we find an area infested with them, we ought to call in the Army Core of Engineers to help us solve the ecological disaster created by their presence. After all, I’m sure that the Army Core of Engineers know the answer to my favorite joke: “What’s orange and looks good on a Hippy?” But this article isn’t about hippies, or rather it isn’t about ALL hippies. It’s about a special breed that call themselves Vegetarians, Vegans, and other such monikers. These folks have one thing in common, a dastardly sinister plan.
Yes, you read that right, and whether the Hippies are aware of their plan, or not (because let’s face it when you smoke so much Mary Jane, are you really aware of anything anymore? Do you even still count as intelligent life?), make no mistake, this is their goal. Cows, or more properly, Cattle, are not a natural animal. Much like modern corn has strayed so far beyond its Teosinte origins, so have Cattle. They are dependent on us for their livelihood and cannot survive in the wild without us, just as we are dependent on them for their tastiness, and could not have a hamburger without them. But some people hate Cows so much that they want to see an end to our symbiotic relationship, and thus an end to Cows. They won’t stop till every last Cow in the world is deprived of its purpose and cast into the wild to die painfully. Their goal is for cattle to join the Dinosaurs in oblivion.
But we are not helpless against the Hippie menace! No, far from it! If we act together we can reverse the tide and save the future of cattle everywhere. A solution has been discovered by another writer who has put together an elegant but simple plan on his website. To help his plan succeed all we need to do is sponsor a vegetarian. It’s simple, effective, and fool proof. Simply find a friend of yours who refuses to eat meat and inform them you are sponsoring them, and then eat three times as much meat as you normally would. By doing this you not only counteract their part in the Crusade Against Cows, but push the tide backwards even further, helping to preserve a Bright Bovine Future. Once they see the light and agree to help preserve the future of our cattle, you can then either go back to eating a normal amount of delicious cows, or sponsor another vegetarian.
Act now! The future of our tasty and noble friends hangs in the balance!
-Angry Midwesterner
August 21, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Hell Yeah! To add a side-note… every time you order a steak order it as RAW as possible!!! You don’t see lions or tigers cooking there prey! Obey your instincts! LOL!
August 21, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Well, actually, I don’t see lions or tigers at all on a frequent basis. If they were tastier, and less pointy (and traveled in herds so as to be easily domesticated), I would see a lot more of them, and they wouldn’t die off…
But, as they are primary carnivores, they are in competition with other primary carnivores for food, water, and territory. In that competition we have kicked their striped and fluffy butts with our opposable thumbs, rifles, and ability to ignore conservationalist hippies. So, farewell, non-edible fauna, I’ll see you in the holo-zoo.
August 21, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Well to be fair, lions and tigers ignore hippies pretty well too, and they’d eat them if given a chance.
August 22, 2008 at 10:25 am
wow.
KoL, Hippie defamation, meat. . .
that might have been the best Man Blog ever!
August 22, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I wholeheartedly approve of this post. Save the cattle by eating them! RAWR!
August 25, 2008 at 1:06 am
It’s sad guys. This is a dressed up version of the Wendy’s advert. Meatatarian indeed.
As for supporting terrorism and your link, most of your pot comes from north of the 49th and damned good quality it is too.
Most of your country supports terrorism by driving outdated and badly engineered vehicles all on their lonesome. (The purveyors of which I now understand are traipsing cap in hand towards the Capitol.)
I think that hippies are the least of the USA’s problems, the fact that you are owned by a communist dictatorship and are content to educate your people into ignorance doesn’t help either.
August 25, 2008 at 9:42 pm
While I want to see (no, wait HEAR! HEAR! about, I don’t want to see it) Angry Midwesterner getting a tramp stamp of the Illinois flag, after this post I think he ought to start sporting a National Cattlemen’s Beef Association eartag as well. Kingdom of Loathing he should have tattooed to his left cheek (I leave the choice of which one up to him). That way he wouldn’t have to f—in’ TALK about KoL anymore.
After all this, he would be ready for a new career as a barista.
October 18, 2008 at 4:08 pm
how incredible dense.
October 18, 2008 at 4:08 pm
incredibly* (too much pot)
October 29, 2008 at 1:27 pm
A hippie’s argument against cattle is usually an economically sound one. The production of cattle is not as feasible for food as are other, healthier foods. Cows take up more resources, harm farmlands more, and harm water quality. To name a few issues.
The other big point is that low-cost production of beef seems to require (or has at least led to) mistreatment of them. As a past student of neuroscience, I can say that cows are sentient beings–though less cognitively complex than humans of course. The presence of more advanced frontal lobes is pretty much what distinguishes humans from other high level mammals like cows. So, some hippies argue that it would be better for them to live naturally in small number than to be bred and killed in inhumane conditions.
October 29, 2008 at 1:35 pm
And, I’ll add, if you actually did sponsor a vegetarian by eating 3x as much meat, you would probably knock quite a few years off your lifespan. Cause of death would likely be colon cancer or heart disease. Or a number of other things.
April 27, 2010 at 11:34 am
Hello, I belive this is mostly a brilliant internet site with magnificent stuff. Which may be why I wish to ask you if I can speak about your blog on my weblog if I give you hyperlink back?