[UPDATE: Originally posted yesterday, this manly guide was overshadowed by the very manly news that the Supreme Court wants men to wear manly guns while admiring the impressive monuments to our great Founding Men in the Nation’s capital! So now we have restored this manly piece to a place of prominence this fine and manly Friday!]

Today I’ve decided to answer some cooking questions from our readers. In this short Q&A session I’ll help you understand how to cook in a manly fashion, while maintaining your Patriotism™.

Q: How many man-laws are broken when grilling marinaded steaks on a Foreman grill?

A: George Foreman made a name for himself beating people senseless with his fists. The Foreman grill is thus sanctioned for man use. It’s also a great tool when you are too lazy to fire up, and later clean up your charcoal or gas grill. Since men like to be lazy, the Foreman Grill gets the Angry Man stamp of approval.

Q: I’ve been having problems with food sticking to the pans, but I use plenty of Canola Oil… what is going wrong?

A: Canola Oil is low in saturated fats, and thus not the best for non-stick applications. Use something with a bit more saturated fat, like Corn Oil. It should also be noted that using Canola Oil supports terrorism. Do you know what canola stands for?

“Canadian oil, low acid”

Real Patriots™ use Corn Oil. Yes, I’m sorry but Canola Oil, aka the Oil of Communism, should be avoided when you’re worried about food sticking (or when you decide to love America).

Q: How do I avoid the taste imparted to food when I fry with my Teflon™ frying pan?

A: Teflon is a fluorinated hydrocarbon coating applied over a metal base and is suitable for low to medium heat cooling. High temperature cooking like sauteing, frying and searing can bake off the fluorine and cause an unpleasant taste. Teflon, a product of the both Patriotic and Manly Apollo space program, was initially applied to cooking with such warnings and an admonition to use only plastic spatulas. Modern versions are significantly better in both their temperature and metal utensil tolerance.

The approved Angry Man method of nonstick cooking, however, is to use a cast iron skillet suitably seasoned. Cast iron provides for a much more uniform heat spread and a well-seasoned skillet also provides a relatively non-stick surface. (Eggs excepted).

Q: I used your Patriotic Corn Oil™ while cooking stir fry and almost caught the kitchen on fire. How do I avoid this and still be Patriotic?

A: When cooking in a high heat open pan environment, a somewhat less Patriotic Oil should be used. The Angry Man approved Semi-Patriotic Peanut Oil™ is the way to go. (If you are from the south, this may be deemed Patriotic, as peanut farms and farmers abound. In the midwest, where we recall a less-than-Manly peanut farmer, peanut oil is somewhat less-than Patriotic.) None-the-less, peanut oil has a higher flash point than corn oil and is less prone to ignition at the temperatures involved in stir frying.

Now, about that less-than-Manly form of cooking — the stir fry… Ahem!.

Q: What is the best marinade to use to tenderize meat?

A: Based on credible evidence and scientific studies, marinades, e.g., those solutions of exotic wines and spices in which meat is soaked for hours, are fairly useless. Studies have shown that the absorbtion of marinade into the meat is essentially zero no matter how long the meat bathes. The effect of a long bath in a marinade is usually to turn the outer surface to mush as biological processes degrade the protein and connective tissue. The same effect without the mush can be obtained by ‘aging’ the meat without the marinade. If you use marinade, about four seconds is all that is required. Marinades do little for tenderizing the meat.

The Approved Angry Man Meat Tenderizing Process™ consists of laying the meat on a substantial wooden surface (UHMW cutting boards are acceptable), applying a layer of spice mixture, and beating the everloving shit out of it with one of those spikey meat tenderizing hammers. In addition to making Manly construction sounds, annoying present female persons and driving dogs to seek shelter under the bed (all good Manly things), hammering your meat is equivalent to 10 push-ups per minute of tenderizing. All of that and the hammering actually breaks the muscle and connective tissue, making the meat tender at the same time as forcing the spice into the meat (which a marinade is incapable of). We recommend various size hammers ranging from a small 8 oz. hammer for pork chops to a whopping 32 oz. tenderizer for those 2 inch thick juicy steaks.