Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez called for a new phase in his Bolivarian Revolution today, calling on the revolution to extend to a new sector — escort services. “The President of the United States, better known as `The Devil’ and his illegitimate junta have extended their war of oppression to fight those who desire only to meet their most basic of human needs. The need in question here being a $80,000 prostitute,” President Chavez noted, to a screaming crowd, most of which will never see $80,000 in their entire lifetime. “It would take a psychiatrist to analyze the Bush regime’s motives in this regard,” noted Chavez. “They sic their attack dogs on anyone who might even think about opposing their wars of unbridled imperialist aggression,” oblivious of the fact that the Bush administration had nothing to do with Eliot Spitzer’s recent fall from grace.

“But the recent sins of the Bush junta have given me a chance to think and reflect on the future of Venezuela,” he continued. “I have never thought about the role of the escort industry in the Bolivarian Revolution, but now after Bush’s latest atrocities, I realize that the revolution must also be extended to this sector. To this end, I have recruited 10,000 Venezuelan escorts to provide the highest quality of services to those who feel a need and can pay in hard currency. To those in America who face a regime which deprives them of their basic freedoms in this regard, I say: Come. Come to Venezuela where you can be free of imperialist oppression. I personally invite Gov. Spitzer to join us. Besides, our girls are much better looking anyway.”

As President Chavez waved farewell to the cheering crowds, he made the following off-hand remark, “And just to show what a nice guy I am, I also invite President Uribe of Columbia to join the Boliverian Revolution in escort services. I think he needs to loosen up a bit.”