Angry New Mexican here! I’m back with the second in our series of candidate roundups. Since I have no need to be fair and balanced; I want to cover with the Republican “front runners” (a witty homage to political corruption?) before I start with the Democrats. Since I finished with the Actual Conservatives in my last post, now it’s time for the Liberals in Republican Clothing. Here we’ll deal with that fifth column within the Republican party dedicated to bringing the party to the Whore of Babylon itself: Liberalism.

Rudy Giuliani (Former Mayor, NYC) – If we wanted to choose a Republican candidate as close as possible to President Bush, it would have to be Rudy. Mr. Giuliani comes from the same pro-business, jackboot-friendly mold as the President. The big difference is that while Mr. Bush pays lip service to social conservatism (e.g. his morally backrupt position on stem cells), Mr. Giuliani doesn’t give a s#$@. So much for pleasing the religious right on social issues.

Mr. Giuliani’s key selling point are his fleeting moments of post-911 competence as America’s Mayor. He’s hoping that it will make up for his ascerbic personal habits. As former NYC mayor Ed Koch noted, Mr. Giuliani is nasty to everyone. Your columnist even saw a street vendor with the sign “Rudy Giuliani = Police State” in NYC during Mr. Giuliani’s tenure as Mayor. Now granted, such a propensity for jack-booted thuggery will go over quite well with certain portions of the Republican base, but Mr. Giuliani has some other problems. Like all of the the bruhaha over Mr. Giuliani’s mistress who’s now wife #3. Jackboot friendly? Perhaps. Family friendly? Definitely not.

Mitt Romney (Former Governor, MA) – Unlike the former Mayor of New York, who is unabashedly liberal in his social views, Mr. Romney has opted for trying to deceive the conservative faithful with his so-called conversion on social issues. Back in 1994, when Mr. Romney was preparing for the 18-point beating Ted “Chappaquiddick” Kennedy was to apply to him in the Senate race, he tried his darndest to gain the support of the seventh circle of hell itself: the gay activists. As the Boston Globe reported (10/17/94), Mr. Romney wrote the Log Cabin Republicans to say that he seeks “to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens” and that he “will provide more effective leadership than” Ted Kennedy. Uncle Ted, held as always, the most liberal position possible within the mainstream on this (and every) issue. But Mr. Romney wanted to out-gay Uncle Ted. Even as recently as 2002, Mr. Romney handed out pink flyers wishing gay activists a great pride weekend (props to Mass Resistance for finding this gem). But somehow, pretty in pink Mr. Romney had a conversion of convenience heart when it came to the presidency and is now anti-gay. And we’re supposed to believe his conversion on abortion and gun control as well. Is America ready for a Mormon president? Perhaps. But we’re not ready for Mr. Politically-Expedient-on-Moral-Issues to be president. After all, we’ve already rejected Al Gore.

John McCain (Senator, AZ) – Here we’ve got a man with conservative credentials… well except for the fact that he’s for embryonic stem cell research and against torturing foreigners. Real conservatives like Bill O’Reilly are totally pro-torture. After spending years in the Senate and his entire 2004 campaign antagonizing the entire Republican establishment, he’s pulled a genuine Slick Willy and totally flip-flopped. Now he’s turned to sticking his nose so far up Jerry Falwell’s rectum that it’s been rumored that he can tie his shoes through Falwell’s nose. Yes, that’s right, the Straight Talk Express is now the Political Weasel Direct. It’s a shame for Mr. McCain. As if the Keating Five scandal weren’t enough. Now he’s trying to regain the stature he lost among conservatives for violating all their shibboleths. But no matter what Jesus says about forgiveness, this man’s sins appear to be too much for the religious right to forgive..

UPDATE: Fixed links for Mass Resistance and News Hounds on O’Reilly and torture.