Massachusetts Institute of Technology Professor Emeritus Noam Chomsky announced today his recent development of time travel technology. Nominally a linguist, Mr. Chomsky has applied his impressive dissident intellectual brainpower to a variety of different concerns, ranging from sociology to politics. But now, Mr. Chomsky’s mind has mastered the technology of time itself. And now, Mr. Chomsky says, while sipping on a fair-trade non-fat soy milk sugar-free double shot caramel latte, he will employ that technology to slay President George W. Bush in utero.
“If George Bush were to be judged by the standards of the Nuremberg Tribunals,” Mr. Chomsky noted in an earlier interview with Jeremy Paxman, “he’d be hanged.” The neoconservatives, like Mr. Bush, are “radical statist reactionaries, who believe that the US should rule the world, by force if necessary, in the interests of the narrow sectors of concentrated private power and wealth that they represent, and that the powerful state they forge should serve those interests, not the interests of the public, who are to be frightened into submission while the progressive legislation and achievements of popular struggle of the past century are dismantled, along with the democratic culture that sustained them,” according to Mr. Chomsky. “Elections are essentially bought, and the democratic culture is severely eroded. Furthermore, the population is aware of it, by and large, but many feel helpless,” Mr. Chomsky continues. The Bush administration will “do severe, perhaps irreparable, damage if given another hold on power – a very slim hold, but one they will use to achieve very ugly and dangerous ends. In a very powerful state, small differences may translate into very substantial effects on the victims, at home and abroad.”
As such, Mr. Chomsky notes, Mr. Bush must be slain before this can occur. As the current president, the Secret Service protects Mr. Bush from any attempt on his life. But MIT physics professor R. Hein Lein, a devotee of Mr. Chomsky and his public spokesman, notes that with time travel technology, Mr. Chomsky can strike at George W. Bush before the Secret Service can protect him. Mr. Lein notes that he is in full agreement with Mr. Chomsky’s plan to strike Mr. Bush in utero. “It is the most vulnerable phase in his existence, one where he is least protected by the security forces of the American imperial state,” Mr. Lein says. When asked about questions of the ethics of time travel, Mr. Lein responded, “Tinkering with causality is not something to be undertaken likely, and Mr. Chomsky understands this quite well. But is it our feeling that the pure evil of Mr. Bush’s reign as President warrants his annihilation in utero.” He went on to add, “Assuming, of course, that evil exists, which as a post-Christian, modern, enlightened, scientific man, I cannot admit to. Regardless, I find that using the primitive moralistic categories of ‘good’ and ‘evil’ is a most efficacious means of explaining the sheer unadulterated horror of the Bush regime.” Besides, Mr. Lein notes, “Mr. Chomsky promises to use this technology only once, and once Mr. Bush is destroyed in utero, he will destroy the device. What could possibly go wrong?”