The Republic of Illinois Secedes

During the early hours of the morning, the former US state of Illinois formally announced it was breaking from the United States of America to form the Republic of Illinois.

Speaking from the new national capital in Springfield, His Royal Highness Richard M. Daley (may he reign forever) announced the dissolution of the office of governor, and the creation of a new supreme executive office in the state, merging the mayoral office of Chicago with the new Presidency. Rod Blagojevich, former governor of the state of Illinois could not be found for comment, the new national police force, based out of Chicago were quoted as saying that he was being held on charges of treason, and crimes against the state.

The new President of our glorious Republic announced in his speech that the capital was being split into three sections, with the legislature remaining in Springfield, the executive branch moving to Chicago, and the judiciary relocating to Champaign. Senior officials of the state militia present at the event cited concerns over security as reason for the relocation.

Thankfully Daley seems to have our best interests at heart, as military checkpoints were set up around the borders of the new Republic, with officials fearing an influx of refugees from the impoverished states of Kentucky and Iowa, as well as individuals fleeing the communist regime of Soviet Wisconsin beyond the cheddar curtain to the north. While Kentucky and Iowa would be bad enough (an influx from those states would send our average IQ into a nose dive), Soviets from Wisconsin would be far worse. Relations with Wisconsin have been deteriorating since Illinois formally declared independence and I personally have some worry that the two powers might soon be embroiled in a conflict, as the communist policies and totalitarian government of Wisconsin have in the past caused problems with joint relations.

War with Wisconsin would be a serious mistake right now, as our military already has begun an incursion into Indiana. Illinois and the barbarian hordes of Indiana have had a long and colorful past, with the more refined and educated citizens of Illinois frequently coming to blows with the ignorant primitive masses in Indiana due to misunderstandings. The most notable such incident occured in 1995 when a delegation from Illinois arrived in West Lafayette on a relief mission in a Ford Pickup, and were stoned by the native Hoosiers who had never heard of carriages which did not require horses and so assumed the Illinois delegation were witches.

Today saw the first military action in Indiana with Illinois forces pushing swiftly to the capital in Indianapolis. Such a swift take over leaves me unsurprised and had been predicted by numerous military experts. One analyst was quoted as saying “Really, I’m surprised it took them this long. I mean for goodness sakes, Hoosiers haven’t even invented the wheel yet!”

Illinois forces roll through the ruins of downtown Indianapolis

Tanks bearing the standards of the new Republic were rolling through the ruined streets of Indianapolis this afternoon, while Hoosiers huddled in fear in their dirt walled hovels. Joint commanders of the Illinois militia were quoted as saying that few shots were fired, and the ruined state of the downtown most likely occurred during the aftermath of the Colt’s victory at the Superbowl this year. Let’s face it, if there are two things Hoosiers lack it is class and sophistication, leave it to them to run their own state into the ground. Illinois will do a much better job running the state.

At a press conference in Chicago His Royal Highness the President Richard M. Daley said:

“Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside Indiana, from the standpoint of the Hoosiers, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators. I’ve made it very clear that our purpose there is, if we are forced to do this, will in fact be to stand up a government that’s representative of the Indiana people, hopefully democratic due respect for human rights, and it, obviously, involves a major commitment by the Republic of Illinois, but we think it’s a commitment worth making. And we don’t have the option anymore of simply laying back and hoping that events in Indiana will not constitute a threat to the Republic of Illinois. Clearly, 12 years after the West Lafayette incident, we’re back in a situation where it does constitute a threat.”

Later that day President Daley flew into the University of Illinois Campus, landing at the Quad in a helicopter, where a large “Mission Accomplished” banner had been hung at the Union.

Top Secret Technology of the Illinois War Machine

While I agree with President Daley on the Indiana issue, I really have to question his motives elsewhere. Some critics have pointed out that even now Illinois forces are massing on the Wisconsin border, and that a similar fate may await Madison. Others question the supposed altruistic motives of the former US state, citing the conversion of the University of Illinois to a high tech weapons lab, and the lack of any evidence of Weapons of Milk Destruction (WMDs) across the cheddar curtain. While the excessive flatulence possessed by all Hoosiers does pose a clear and present danger to Illinois, Soviet Wisconsinites have more control of their bowels.

Exclusive photography sent in by a correspondant near the weapons testing range just outside of Champaign shows a disturbing image of what appears to be a weaponized Mech armed with particle projection cannons. If Illinois really is developing robotic weaponry, Ohio, Michigan, Missouri and Minnesota might need to accelerate defense spending as well, leading to a midwestern arms race, which I think we all want to avoid.

For the time being Illinois troops seem to be settling in for a long occupation of Indiana. President Daley has announced that Illinois will not cut and run, and is willing to stay in Indiana until the job is done. When asked about a specific date after which Illinois would no longer occupy Indiana he said:

“The consequences of imposing a specific and random date for withdrawal would be disastrous. Our enemies in Indiana would simply have to mark their calendars. They would spend the months ahead picking how to use their safe havens when we leave.”