The Democratic party has a really serious problem these days, and no it isn’t outright unelectability (as shown by the last election), it is a much more deep seated problem that threatens to destroy the party itself in a very short while. That problem, my friends, is one of a VERY ununified base. While it may be true that the support for any party is not truly unified, the Republicans have the conservative Christians, and the money grubbing Mammon worshippers (better known as neo-cons); the Libertarians have their nut jobs and their whack jobs; and the Greens have their tree huggers and meat is murder types. The fundamental difference is that unlike other ununified bases, the Democratic bases don’t get along at all, in fact they actively hate each other.

The Democratic party is divided into two distinct groups, the Pot-Smoking-Hippy (PSH) Democrats, and the Hard-Working-American (HWA) Democrats. PSH Democrats tend to live on the west coast, avoid honest work at all times, utilize recreational drugs, moan and whine about supposed “rights and principles” (while in fact just using this line of questionable reasoning to promote a hedonistic lifestyle), and claim to feel bad for the oppressed peoples of our world, all the while living the privileged life of the upper middle class at the expense of said oppressed peoples. On the other hand, HWA Democrats tend to live in the Mid-West, toil away in blue collar jobs, worry about health care for their children, and the state of public education, all the while practicing patriotism and trying their hardest to live the American dream.

Unsurprisingly the two sides often end up clashing, despite being from “the same political party”. While PSH Democrats love hedonism and eschew morals and ethics, HWA Democrats tend to be Christian and try to live their lives in the pursuit of a goal higher than their own personal pleasure. At the same time that PSH Democrats are futilely protesting unfair working conditions and layoffs (conveniently held on a pristine beach or park) while wearing designer clothing that was made in China (resulting in lost US jobs), HWA Democrats are organizing the community and having productive discussions with their employers. While the PSH Democrats are flaunting US laws and endangering our youth by smoking and snorting illegal drugs, contributing to the general sloth and lazyness of American society while mumbling in a drug induced haze about a better world, HWA Americans are working their butts off in low paying jobs so that they can send their children to college and ensure a better world for all of us.

It isn’t just a difference in ideals which creates the chasm in the modern democratic party, however, it also is the attitudes. Your average PSH Democrat is vaguely aware of the existance of HWA Democrats, but wouldn’t be caught dead in the same room with one. After all, exposure to poverty is only hip if done during manufactured circumstances, or during college as a ways of pretending that somehow your basic needs aren’t being met so one can feel oddly morally superior while toking with the hippies at a political rally. Fundamentally though, your average PSH Democrat has a downright condescending attitude towards HWA Democrats. They see them as being victims who must be lifted up by the noble PSH Democrats in a perverse parody of the “white man’s burden”. The truth is that HWA Democrats don’t want the pity of some smelly, filthy, crusty wannabe hippies, they are quite capable of pursuing their own goals without the stench of patchouli hovering in the air.

This growing divide is going to become an increasing problem as the two sides of the gap find it harder and harder to work together. Their goals are fundamentally incompatible, and neither side really respects the other. The solution is of course to purge the party and make it more unified. Luckily for us the PSH Democrats have clustered on the West Coast leaving us with a clear and simple solution. The best way to fix the party is to support global warming. By sinking the filthy hippy enclaves of Seattle and San Francisco beneath the Pacific, the Democratic party can unify its base and move forward to a better and brighter future.

-Angry Midwesterner

Angry Midwesterner