One of the great defining attributes about Americans is that we historically have found ways to tap into our natural resources, and “can-do” ingenuity to accomplish major goals in times of need. There are groups of people who languish in need who, if they joined together as a community may be able to solve pressing issues that affect their lives. This would benefit all mankind, as well as demonstrating to people that they are the masters of their own futures.

As a public service, I think several of these groups could be identified and called out to start working towards their own betterment. This may blossom into a continuing series.

I’ll start with a pressing need that I’ve only recently become really aware of. This tragic situation doesn’t exhibit itself too often in the old country, but the circumstances are approaching a crisis out here.

I speak, of course, of skateboarding. Hordes of youths without driver’s licenses crowd street corners, shopping malls, and anywhere else the can find a patch of pavement without cars speeding over it. Though you may be familiar with your typical homegrown smelly neo-industrial-music groupie board rider, the prevalence of them out here brings me to speak up.

Modern skateboarders, while maintaining the favorite pastimes of classic skateboarders like loitering, petty theft and disregard for traffic safety, have picked up annoying modern habits of smelling bad, victimhood whining, and listening to neo-industrial noise music that is equally unimaginative as any vapid boy-band pop music played on radio Disney.

I could propose that skateboarders take a number of simple steps to reclaim their rightful place as productive citizens, but I’m also challenging them to move beyond that into the world of true ingenuity and creation. They could be couriers, delivery boys, or instructors to office professionals on how to lower their carbon footprint with a truly green transportation system. This would at least convince people that they weren’t just killing time until they could grow up to be true drains on the economy.

I want more for them, though. In one fell swoop they can move from being disdained by respectable citizens to being revered as some of the greatest American inventors of all time. They don’t even have to leave their area of expertise. They need to bring the world one thing: The Hoverboard.

That’s right. The best personal transport in American film becomes the best transport in reality. Plus, the constant reference to classic skateboarding heroes like Marty McFly would give them good role models to emulate.

I’m not saying it’s not a tall order, but I think it’s within their grasp. They’ve got a lot of free time on their hands. I’m pretty sure they’re not all unintelligent, just entirely unmotivated. This new motivation could drive them to do the massive amounts of engineering and theoretical physics necessary to pull this off.

If we had a functioning hoverboard, I could see a lot of people taking up skateboarding, and really bringing it into the true mainstream. This new productive acceptance of skateboarding could serve to form communities of working professionals as mentors to underprivileged youth. No longer would they be ostracized merely by their choice of conveyance, but it would actually be beneficial to their social advancement.

So I’m calling you out, skateboarding community. Get your butts in gear. I demand that you, as people, repay the rest of us for your stupid, annoying, destructive, whiny behavior by creating a workable hoverboard. Now.

I’ll even get you started with some initial tasks to look into. Yes, unfortunately, at least one of you will have to pass Algebra. And someone will have to truly excel in metal shop. Realistically, someone should probably learn to speak Taiwanese.

The rest is up to you.



This is the first in a series of guides for social improvement through motivational speaking. Also, a precursor of my desperate attempt to con some group into making me a working lightsaber.