Think of your least favorite movie.   The worst one you’ve ever sat through.   So bad that you’d rather have watched the popcorn than the screen.   So bad that you’d rather have eaten the popcorn.   [shudder] Did you feel that that movie was made to personally aggravate you?   You’d like to believe that it was made by a group of mindless jerks with no class, consideration, talent, vision, skill, funding, or common sense.   Like these guys I ran into.

The fiancée’s job was infested this week by a small film crew shooting some sort of student film.   This had to be some kind of Virgin Islands film school, since I would hope any real film school would require…   I don’t know…   literacy on the part of the screenplay writer.

The crew was loud and obnoxious, and full of their own self-importance.   Their script was so wooden that it would have done George Lucas credit.   The vocabulary seemed to be that of a group of middle-schoolers who have just learned that curse words aren’t fatal, but with nowhere near the colorful and creative linguistics of a truly remarkable swearing enthusiast.   Mostly it was the characters debating what they would do / wanted to do / wanted the other characters to do if they weren’t in the middle of a place of business…   which, of course, they were.

For those of you who are new to my rantings, my fiancée is a librarian.   The film geeks were being loud and obnoxious in a library.   They couldn’t afford a real set, so they, like most bums without real jobs, were hanging out in the public library.   That’s like an atheist’s holy place – how could they be permitted to blaspheme against the Vow of Silence that permeates the stacks and shelves?   They spent the morning annoying the patrons, monopolizing the work areas, and generally preventing people from their traditional March library activity of demanding that the librarians help them with their tax forms.   This may surprise most of you, but modern librarians rarely ever actually shush people any more.   They finally discovered that it’s as rude in a library as it is anywhere else.   Film crews, though, thrive on rude.   They’re probably the first people in years to walk around the library shushing people once they were about to start a take.

Now, admittedly I’m more familiar with libraries than most people, given my choice of lovely life partner, so I know the rhetoric about how libraries are place for free expression, and for the transmission of ideas.   But those ideas should have a minimum amount of quality to apply for protection.   The boss was a bit afraid of censoring the budding talent.   I’m not lobbying for censorship of the talent, I’m arguing for euthanasia of the talent.   Put it down.   Go back to flipping burgers.

The man-camera cyborg viewing this hardcover world through a digital lens was further showing his lack of societal value by doing this entire exercise in the least appropriate part of the library.   Having been snubbed and booted from the grown up part of the library, this team of cursing rejects had decided that their venue for four-letter filth spewing would be the Children’s department!   Nothing convinces the single moms to encourage reading in their four year olds like a bunch of 20-somethings whining about their genital urgings.   Evidently these guys grew up with “Hooked on R-rated Phonics.”

After promising to respect the schedule they signed up for, and insisting they would be out on time, they continued to film well into the busy hours of the library day.   They even Shanghaied a dad and child into being in the background of their shot.   The other patrons scattered like smoke once these dorks started rolling film.   The only saving grace was that these two poor captives were browsing the Spanish language books, and the toddler may not have spoken any English.   He picked up some nice vocabulary that day, though.

Unfortunately, that’s really the best you can expect as far as behavior from a film crew.   They crawl up from their basement film labs full of ideas about artwork and raw emotion, and having no idea about how to deal with real life.   Even your typical parents’-basement-variety video gamer knows what kind of behavior will result in a smackdown from the nearest townsperson or orc, (or even a paladin).   It’s useless to try to correct their behavior.   It’s like yelling at a toddler, or a monkey.   They have no capacity for mature consideration of other people.

I’m pissed at the film crew. I’m also pissed at the library supervisors.   With so many books around, it’s sad that they’re so spineless.   They ruined a bunch of people’s days, just so these jerks could pretend to be real art contributors.

I had some strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior that avoided any direct confrontation (which I believe is illegal in this state).   My plan at this point is to back a truck up to the front of the library, and check out each and every book in the children’s department.   This leaves all of the shelves barren, and ruins their background continuity.   In order for them to complete their little homework project on time, I’ll happily rent the books back to them, at standard movie prop rates.   Hopefully this might teach them a lesson on how one person’s actions can affect other people.   The three year olds understand this – why can’t film students?

Just because you hold up a camera doesn’t make you immune from social considerations.   If anything, you’ll have to work harder to convince people you’re not an annoying demi-demagogue.   In this world of ubiquitous recording, they’re lucky a competing offshore film school group doesn’t film their terrible talentless behavior for a documentary.   I’d be willing to let them use the library, but as soon as they violate the language policy around the kiddies, then they’d get a boost to their pain-driven artistic lives delivered as a grant from the “My Steel Toed Boots Foundation.”

You hear that, you celluloid simpletons?   You could at the very least do us the favor of being famous, pretty, or important.   But, no, you losers couldn’t even be that considerate.

There’s only one person allowed to yell “Quiet in the Library!”, and she’s belongs to the ALA, not SAG or the DGA.   If anyone out there ever actually hears of “Glimpses” (which would shock me) and finds that it is in fact their least favorite movie ever (which would not shock me), let this be a testament that the filmmakers actually are trying their hardest to aggravate you by their very existence.   And that they’re mindless jerks with no class, consideration, taste, talent, vision, skill, funding, common sense, upbringing, or hygiene who don’t like children, have no ability to read, and overall just hate America.

-aI

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