Hillary, Servant of Blag'har

I’ve long been a staunch supporter of Barack Obama and while I still think he is the more qualified candidate I am today forced to endorse his opponent, the Mother of Lies, Hillary Clinton. After unsuccessfully running her campaign on a string of lies, yesterday Hillary Clinton showed her true face and purpose to the American Public™. Donning a robe of pure and utter darkness, she stood before the people of Pennsylvania on a cyclopean pedestal of untold horrors and said: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”, those dark words of unspeakable power and fear.

Now I have long suspected Hillary was a vile servant of Blag’har, Cthulu, or some other elder god, what with her drinking the blood of the innocent, desecrating churches and temples, the way dogs and other animals shrink from her presence, and her tendency to offer up human sacrifice. But today, barring her later citing sleep deprivation, or claims that she has been misspeaking for months now, we have ample evidence that indeed Hillary is attempting to awaken the evil spawn which has been dead for eons to cleanse the Earth of mankind.

In her senate seat in Washington dead Clinton lies dreaming, dreaming of the day she will summon the ceaseless horrors that lurk behind life in time and space and unleash these blasphemous beings from their prisons behind elder stars to wreak havoc on our lives. She yearns to see the seas run red with the blood of our race, and to hear the howling of our suffering in the air as if it were the very wind. She waits with anxious joy for the gates of Yogsothoth to be flung open so that the unspeakable horrors beyond can devour all who stand in her path.

The question many of you are likely asking now is, “If Hillary will bring the world to its knees with madness, terror and death, why would you endorse her?” The answer is simple, yet unintuitive. Voting for Obama will lead to a reasoned presidency in which Republicans and Democrats finally bury hatchets and begin working for the good of the American people rather than their own personal bank accounts, it is true, but what if you vote for Obama and Hillary wins anyway? Woe be unto us who anger the wrath of the High Priestess of Pain, Suffering, and Lies! While all of the Earth will tremble and die in the path of her unholy quest, you can be sure those who oppose her will be killed last after she wracks our beings with suffering so great that we will fill the air with our pleas for death. If instead we vote for Hillary, perhaps she will be merciful and slay us before we have to witness the Earth descend into Chaos and Madness!

So Vote Hillary! It may usher forth the final era of suffering for this world, but at least your death may be swift!

-Angry Midwesterner


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